Rainbow After The Storm
by WillowJadesMum2017
Summary: "Not once but twice my womb forgot to keep its promise. I, helplessly watched it bleed its promises to death" Meredith couldnt take it, the endless shattering of thier hopes and dreams. Watching as everything shattered around them as time and time again her womb failed to protect the life within it.
1. Is This It?

She stood frozen, a look of horror plastered across her face as she looked at the object in her hand. Meredith couldn't help the tears that streamed down her cheeks as she threw the pregnancy test she had just taken down onto the counter. She was pregnant, and as much as she should have been happy about it. She wasn't.

This was her 5th pregnancy, all her other ones ending in heartbreak and Meredith was tired of it. Getting her hopes up only for them to come crashing down when she would miscarry time and time again. She never wanted to try for another baby and without Derek, by her side, she never would have but they wanted a family, a baby of their own.

Frantically wiping the tears from her face she decided right then and there she was not going to tell Derek. At least not until she knew she wasn't going to lose this one too.

Slowly she left the bathroom, joining Christina in the cafeteria with a tray of food. She wasn't really hungry so she pushed it around with her fork.

Christina watched her for a moment before sighing. "Ok, what's wrong?"

Meredith sighed hesitantly for a moment. "I'm pregnant" she whispered looking up at Christina. They both shared a look.

"Ok, what are going to do?" Christina asked.

Meredith thought for a moment before shrugging her shoulders. "See if this one sticks I guess. I'm tired of pregnancies not working out Christina."

"Have you told Derek?"

"No," Meredith pushed a piece of food around before looking up at Christina. "I should, shouldn't I?"

"He is the father and if you do end up losing this one, your gonna need support." Christina said.

"I can't stand seeing the disappointment on his face when we do lose them."

"I'm sure he feels the same way Mer, seeing you depressed. We all hate it."

Deep down Meredith knew Christina was right but still she couldn't help but feel conflicted on whether to tell Derek or not just in case. She left the table dumping her tray before heading up to OBGYN, pulling Arizona aside.

"What's up?" the overly cheerful blonde asked. Making Meredith roll her eyes.

"I need an ultrasound" she whispered.

"Your pregnant again?" Arizona concluded.

Meredith sighed. "Yeah, I am." She followed Arizona into an exam room watching as she set everything up before starting. She couldn't help the sick feeling she felt, it was out of fear. Fear that once again she would lose a child.

Leaving the exam room she wandered aimlessly down the hallway, staring at the ultrasound photo of her currently healthy 6-week pregnancy in her hand. She ducked into an on-call room, taking a seat on one of the beds as tears came to her eyes.

Placing her hand onto her still flat stomach she drew in a shaky breath before speaking.

"Please, please just hold onto sweetheart" she whispered. "I promise I will try and be the best mom I can to you just please for your daddy and I hold on. I can't lose you too." She sobbed. She pulled her pager out and paged Christina just needing her best friend.

Christina entered the room a few minutes later noticing the tears streaming down Meredith's cheeks as she still stared at the picture in her hand.

"Christina," she whispered her voice still shaky. "I can't lose this baby too."

Cristina sighed knowing that each time her best friend lost a baby it took a piece of her and she hated seeing Meredith upset for any reason. She walked over taking a seat next to the blonde before gently rubbing her back.

"Jelly bean?" Christina smirked looking at the photo.

Meredith laughed lightly. "Yeah, my little jellybean. 6 weeks so far and healthy. I just hope it stays that way."

"Hey don't think like that, everything is alright so far and just focus on that. Not that what ifs or what could happen." She watched as Meredith wiped at her face again before shoving the photo into the pocket of her lab coat.

"We better get back to work before they come looking for us" Meredith sighed getting up from the bed.

* * *

Meredith arrived home after a long day, for more reasons than one. Her stomach was growling and she had to remind herself she was currently eating for two...for now she thought to herself.

She grabbed some leftovers out of the fridge and heated them up before settling herself on the couch. She knew Derek would be home soon and it would take everything in her power to not just blurt it out.

He arrived home an hour later immediately noticing Meredith curled up in a blanket watching tv. This wasn't like her and he knew it. Usually, she was cleaning or catching up on cases not being a couch potato.

"How was your day?" Meredith smiled.

Derek smiled as he walked over taking a seat next to Meredith. "Good, nobody died so I would call it a success."

Meredith laughed. "Yeah, no deaths are usually a good thing in our line of work."

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, just tired and wanted to wait up for you." Derek had his suspicion that there was something she wasn't telling him but brushed it off know she would come to him in her own time, he couldn't rush her.

"Come on, let's go and take a shower and go to bed" he smiled. They headed up to the bathroom, Derek getting the water ready as Meredith slipped out of her clothes. They both stepped into the water, the hot water cascading over them both.

"Oh, this water feels amazing" Meredith moaned closing her eyes. She reached up, running her fingers through her hair and for a moment she was able to forget.

"You look beautiful" Derek murmured into her ear. She opened her eyes staring into his. She wanted him, she needed him.

"Derek," she whispered. She didn't need to say anything, her eyes said it all. He closed the sliding door letting the steam fog the glass as he fulfilled her needs right there in the shower.

**\--**

**Hey guys, the story here and I hope you all enjoy it. I already have the first 6 chapters written...oops ️ warning this does deal with miscarriage (a personal topic for me) but I will say it does have a happy ending. I hope you guys enjoy and remember I love reviews!**


	2. I'm Done

Trigger warning: Miscarriage.

4 weeks later

Meredith couldn't sleep. She rolled onto her side, glancing at the clock. It was only 4:30 in the morning and she didn't have to be up for another hour but she simply could not sleep. She took a glance over at Derek who was sound asleep, guilt washing over her.

She never told him. She had debated time and time again but she could never bring herself too. She was only 9 weeks but she had already noticed changes in her body.

At 9 weeks she shouldn't be showing yet but Meredith was naturally a thin, petite woman so any amount of weight gain was noticeable on her. She had just hoped Derek had not caught on yet.

She slowly got out of bed, heading to the bathroom to relieve her bladder thanking her lucky stars she had hardly had any morning sickness with this pregnancy.

Before she knew it, 5:30 came all to fast and they were both getting ready for work. She decided to change in the bathroom which was new to Derek. Normally Meredith had no issues changing in front of him.

"Alright, I'm ready whenever you are" Meredith announced leaving the bathroom. Arriving to work for hand in hand they got off the elevator stopping to give each other a quick kiss before splitting up.

"Have a good day honey" Derek said.

"You too" she smiled. She headed off to her first patient of the day, the morning was going smoothly as it could for her and she was glad. mid-morning found her staring at the OR board itching to scrub in on a surgery.

"Dr. Grey," she heard her name be called. She smiled to herself, loving her name coming from his mouth.

"Yes Dr. Shepherd." She turned to look at him, his signature smile staring back at her that always made her weak in her knees.

"I have a craniotomy in OR 2 in 30 minutes, care to scrub in?"

"I would love to" she smiled. She watched as he walked away and sighed, that man, he knew what got her going. She couldn't help but notice the small twinge of pain she felt in her abdomen but brushed and headed to see if she had any patients to see.

Meredith stood at Derek's side feeling more lightheaded by the second, sweat pooling on her forehead.

"Dr grey are you alright?" Derek asked noticing Meredith swaying on her feet.

"Yeah, im-im fine Dr. Shepherd." She lied. She certainly wasn't alright but she didn't want him to worry about her.

As time went on and the surgery progressed she felt more and more lightheaded eventually asking for a bottle of water thinking she was maybe just dehydrated. She took a swig and set it down onto the table when she felt it. A feeling that was all too familiar to her and sent shivers down her spine.

Slowly she looked down, watching as her scrub bottoms turned a crimson red as blood filled them. Tears sprang to her eyes. She knew what was happening and in front of Derek who didn't have a clue no less.

"Derek" Meredith whispered quietly, gripping his arm. His eyes followed hers that was glued to her ever soaking bottoms and the last thing she remembered was her name being screamed as she passed out.

The lights in the hospital room seemed especially bright to Meredith as she attempted to open to her eyes. She groaned throwing her arm over them as she took a minute to adjust, the first thing she noticed was the iv that was placed in her hand. Slowly she moved her hand placing it onto her stomach already knowing the little life she had been carrying was gone once again.

"Meredith" Derek whispered. She turned towards him, tears pooling in her eyes.

"I lost it didn't I?" she whispered already knowing the answer.

Derek sighed. "Yes, sweetheart."

"I'm sorry- I'm so sorry" she whispered before loud sobs filled the hospital room and this was the part that hurt Derek, seeing her in this pain.

"When were you going to tell me?" He asked his voice indicating he was a little hurt.

"When I knew I wasn't going to lose yet another one of our children. I found out a few weeks ago-- I just...wanted to protect you." She choked out. She knew it was no excuse though.

"Mer were in this together. You should have told me."

"I cant Derek, I can't go through this again. I'm done trying."

Derek was afraid of this but completely understood. He didn't think he could go through this again and he certainly did not think he could watch Meredith go through this again. He watched as she fell back to sleep, holding her hand as he mentally replayed all the other times they had been in this position.

Slowly he got up, leaving the room looking for the nearest coffee pot. He needed something right now, he looked a mess.

"Hey," Christina said as she walked up to Derek. "I heard, did she lose it?"

"Yeah, she did" he choked out. Not making eye contact with her. "Did you know?"

"I told her to tell you, she was terrified of losing this pregnancy." Christina whispered

"I don't get it, Christina, I know she has a hostile uterus but...we keep losing them and now she wants to give up."

"Give her some time and down the road maybe you guys can try again. right now, You guys have lost 5 pregnancies almost back to back. She needs time to process all this."

Derek just nodded his head, heading back to the room with his coffee in hand. He sighed, standing in the doorway watching the love of his life sleep, hurting for her.


	3. Shattered Dreams

Meredith stayed overnight in the hospital. Not that it was her choice. If it had been she would have been out of bed and back to work as soon as the drugs wore off. She desperately needed something to occupy her before Derek's hovering became too much.

"Are you ready to go home?" Derek asked her pushing a wheelchair into the room.

"Yeah, let's get out of here" she muttered. 2 days In the hospital was more than enough for her. The recovery process from the DC seemed to be harder for her this time around. It seemed as if her body was just over having them done and she couldn't blame it, she was mentally over it too.

Arriving home, Meredith was happy to be back in her own dwelling and the exhaustion of the last couple of days was catching up to her. Her body was screaming with soreness as she knew it would for a few days.

"I think I'm going to go lay down," she whispered turning around to look at Derek.

"Ok, do you want any of your pain medicine?" He asked.

"Uh, no I'm gonna try without them" she replied heading towards the stairs.

"You know you don't always have to be superwoman" Derek smirked. She smiled back before heading up to their room. She sat on the bed, the tears of exhaustion and grief slowly trickling down her cheeks. This was the first time she would have gotten to grieve on her own, first time being alone since it happened.

Slowly she reached over opening the drawer in her nightstand. She reached in, taking a photo out of her last ultrasound. She may have been trying to act like she was fine, that this wasn't bothering her. But the truth was, it was killing her.

She clutched the photo in her hand, watching as her tears dripped down onto the grainy black and white photo. This is all she would ever have of her child. The child she so desperately wanted.

Before Derek, she never saw herself as a mother. She never thought she could raise a child that didn't end up resenting her like she resented her mother. Plain and simple she didn't think she was mother material. But something had changed in her after meeting Derek. He gave her the confidence she needed and she thought maybe she could do this but her body was proving otherwise, that motherhood just wasn't in the cards for her.

Derek came upstairs to check on Meredith. He was worried about her. He knew how she was after she lost each of their children. He could hear her light sobbing from outside the door but what ultimately broke him was what he heard next.

"I'm sorry... I couldn't protect you" he heard her. He sighed, knowing this was going to eventually happen. One way or another she was going to break and it wasn't a huge surprise to him that she was blaming herself, she always did. Slowly he opened the bedroom door, taking in her from crying into her hands on the bed. Her one hand still clutching the photo he didn't know she had.

"Mer.." he whispered walking over to sit on the bed next to her. Gently he took her into his arms. he understood why this was hurt her the most, it was the farthest they had gotten with any pregnancy.

"Lets lay down" he whispered. Gently he pried the photo from her hand placing it back into the drawer before helping her lay down. He rearranged her so her head was laying on his chest as he gently stroked her hair, placing light kisses on her temple.

"It will be alright Mer, I promise you" he whispered feeling her tears soak his shirt as he held her close.

It seemed like forever before her tears subsided and she had finally cried herself to sleep. Derek laid there, daring to not move an inch. He wanted her to sleep, she needed it. She was so exhausted and he could see it.

It was hours later when she awoke, sitting up in their bed. Her hair was a sticky mess all over her forehead, her eyes bloodshot as tear stains trailed her face. She was a mess.

"Hey, how are you feeling babe?" Derek quietly asked her.

"Did you lay there all this time?"

"Yeah, you needed to sleep." He whispered rubbing his hand gently up and down her arm.

"I need our baby back" Derek she whispered a new set of tears glistening in her eyes. He sighed.

"I know, I wish I could bring him or her back.Someday this will work. In the future when we are both ready."

She sighed, not sure what to say. She just wanted this nightmare over with.


	4. The Gala

6 months later.

The hospital's annual gala was tonight, everyone would be there. Meredith stood in their bedroom dressed in a long black dress that outlined her small frame perfectly. She couldn't help but twirl examining herself from every angle as she looked in the mirror. She felt beautiful.

"Wow," Derek exclaimed walking into the room. "You look gorgeous"

"You don't look half bad yourself" she smiled eyeing him up and down. There was something about that man in suits that always turned her on.

"I say, we skip the gala" he smirked walking up to her.

"Very tempting I must say, but we told everyone we would be there."

"They won't miss us."

Meredith sighed, "nice try come on or were going to be late" she said grabbing his hand

They arrived at the gala, looking around the cafeteria that had been decked out in decorations and a DJ. The dance floor was packed with co-workers and friends, it was hard to find any specific person.

"Meredith over here!" she heard her name be shouted. She couldn't help but smile seeing that it was Cristina who had summoned her over.

"How are you?" Christina shouted to be heard over the music.

"Good! let's dance!" Meredith shouted back. They both started to dance making Derek chuckle as he walked away, leaving them to it. He was glad Meredith was enjoying herself, probably the happiest he and seen her in months if he was being honest. He walked over to the punch bowl finding Mark scooping punch into his cup.

"Hey, Mark" Derek greeted.

"Hey did Meredith come with you?"

"Yeah, she and Christina are dancing." Derek laughed lightly

"The girls are killing it tonight." Mark commented.

"Did you come with anyone?"

"No, Lexie couldn't make it. Family emergency." Mark said, wishing Lexie could have been there with him.

"Oh, I'm sorry, ill hang out with you, need some male testosterone."

Hours went by and the party was still in full swing. The girls were still dancing. Meredith only stopping when the next song started. A song she recognized instantly.

"Care to have this dance?" she heard from behind her. she turned around, Derek standing there smiling. She couldn't help but smile too as she wrapped her arms around his neck as they swayed to the music.

"I found a home for my heart beats fast colors and promises"

She looked up at him, "you requested this didn't you?" He just smiled back at her telling her everything she needed to know.

"I have died every day waiting for you, darling don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years. I love you for a thousand more and all along I believed I would find you. Time has brought your heart to me..."

She closed her eyes, inhaling the smell of his cologne that covered his suit. She felt safe in his arms like she was home. The hummed along, only stopping when the song ended. Slowly she pulled away, looking up into eyes, the eyes that captured her every time.

"Wanna get out of here?" he smirked.

"Yeah, let's go," she took his hand leading him out into the hallway. they ducked into the nearest on-call room. Trying to get undressed as fast as they could.

"Can you help me with this dress?" Meredith breathed hot and flustered. He helped her unzip and soon they were both naked, Meredith in only her bra.

"I can't wait much longer" she grunted as he climbed on top of her. He shut her up, placing his lips against hers as she moaned. She could feel him slipping into her and she tried to suppress the urge to moan louder.

"Fuck, Derek, I need you" she whispered, clawing his back.

He thrust harder, making her gasp in shock. She could feel herself start to reach the climax as she felt him ejaculate.

"You ok babe?" he asked her.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Keep going." And so he did, every thrust making her gasp and at one biting the pillow trying not to moan too loud.

"Derek, I need you" she breathed. She felt him dispose inside of her time and time again and she was thanking her lucky stars she was on the pill. They were too caught up in their activity to hear the jiggle of the door handle. Inly when it opened and the light burst in from the hallway did they stop quickly covering themselves.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry" Owen said quickly covering his eyes as he shut the door.

Meredith and Derek looked at each other. "Apparently, Owen and Christina have the same idea" he smirked.

She playfully hit his arm, "I thought you locked that, poor Owen he's scarred for life" she giggled.

"Alright now where were we?" Derek whispered climbing on top of her once again as he pressed his lips against hers.


	5. Again?

Her heart lept into her throat as she vomited into the toilet for what felt like the hundredth time this week. She recognized what she was feeling but she didn't even want to entertain the possibility.

"I'm not pregnant" she repeated over and over again like a broken record. She was on the pill and they used condoms but apparently, God had a funny sense of humor.

She leaned back away from the toilet, using the sleeve of her nightgown to wipe the sweat that was beating off her forehead.

"Babe are you alright?" She heard from just outside the bathroom door. She mentally cursed realizing she had woken Derek up unintentionally.

"Yeah, I'm just sick" she answered trying to convince herself. But Derek knew better, she wasn't just sick. He sighed.

"Mer, you know that's not true." He whispered. "You know what's really going on."

"Derek don't! Just don't" she snapped right before tears sprung to her eyes. "I cant Derek, I can't do this again!'

Getting down onto the floor beside her, Derek wrapped his arm around her shaking form pressing a light kiss to her temple.

"It will be alright" he whispered.

"No, no it won't" she breathed. "I've lost 5 of our kids, 5 Derek. You cannot sit there and tell me all of a sudden this one is going to stick." She was right, he knew that.

"Guess we brought something home from the gala huh?" He smirked trying to lighten the mood.

"We don't know for sure, but if I had to guess. Yeah, we did."

He rubbed her back gently as her head rested on his shoulder. "We will get you in with Arizona and go from there alright? Have you taken a test?"

"No," she whispered, "not yet." Slowly she got up off the floor grabbing a package of two out of the medicine cabinet. She let Derek stay in the bathroom as she peed on the sticks, feeling like all she did was pee on sticks. She placed them onto the counter and slid down the wall next to where Derek still sat. She couldn't help but grasp his hand tightly in hers.

"Now we wait" she breathed even though deep down she knew the answer, she knew her body.

"It will be alright" Derek quietly whispered. "We will get through this Mer."

"Derek, I swear to god if this ends badly, I'm getting my tubes tied."

They both waited anxiously for the timer to go off and when it did she still sat frozen to the floor. Derek noticed that she wasn't going to be moving and got up off the floor taking a peek at the tests. One look from him was all she needed. Meredith Grey was pregnant...again.

It was both their day off but still, they found themselves walking through the door of Grey-Sloan memorial heading up to the ob-gyn floor.

"She's not here" Meredith sighed as they both looked for Arizona. "Let's go check pediatrics and then the NICU" she suggested. They found Arizona, walking around checking on patients in pediatrics.

"Arizona" Meredith called out.

"Hey, how are you two doing? day off?" Arizona asked.

"Yeah, someday off" Meredith laughed. "We need a favor."

"Let me guess, you're pregnant again?" Arizona asked.

Meredith slowly nodded her head, unable to speak, this was becoming unimaginably real for her. "The gala" she whispered

"Oh, I've heard a few of our ladies took home a surprise with them that night." Arizona smiled. "Ok, I have some free time right now. You know the drill" she said as she motioned for Meredith to walk ahead.

Meredith was nervous, climbing onto the table as the paper crinkled under her. She squeezed Derek's hand focusing on a spot on the ceiling that suddenly became fascinating to her

A few minutes later Arizona spoke again. "Alright, Meredith, you look to be about 7 weeks so I would say definitely from the gala" she smirked. "Do you want to hear the heartbeat?"

Meredith's mind panicked, "uh no thank you. Maybe next time" she muttered pulling her shirt down. She couldn't bear to hear it, not now at least. Derek didn't fail to notice that Meredith never even looked at the screen and he knew he was in for a hard time with her.

They arrived home after their appointment and Derek noticed that Meredith was unusually quiet. She walked in, taking a seat on the couch as she placed her head into her hands.

"Are you ok?" Derek asked her. She looked up, tears streaming down her cheeks as she sighed.

"Yeah, I guess. We should prepare ourselves, Derek," she whispered.

"Mer" Derek whispered.

"I don't want to get attached, I can't get attached, Derek. I just can't" she sighed.


	6. Scared

Over the next few weeks proved to be a challenge in their household. Derek wasn't even allowed to mention the pregnancy without a fight pursuing. He could tell that Meredith was clearly detached from this pregnancy, just doing what she had to try and keep this baby alive even though she didn't count on it working.

She was coming on 11 weeks and although that should have provided her some sort of comfort, it didn't. She was currently standing in front of the mirror examining the bulge that was forming between her hip bones. sighing softly. She didn't hate her child, she could never but she was terrified to get attached once again.

She slid her shirt on and squeezed herself into a pair of jeans before she grabbed her keys. Derek had already been called in hours ago so she was showing up alone, well sort of if you didn't count the fetus growing inside of her that nobody knew about. Not even Cristina, her person who she normally told everything too.

"Hey, coffee?" Christina offered as she saw Meredith getting off the elevator.

"Oh no, I'm fine. I had some before I came" she lied. She knew she shouldn't be drinking coffee. She was lost in her own thoughts when she suddenly felt her arm being pulled.

"Hey, what are you doing Christina? We have patients!" Meredith whispered a hint of anger in her voice as she saw they were in an on-call room.

"Meredith, be straight with me. I know your little secret."

"I don't know what your talking about" Meredith whispered trying to play dumb.

"Oh, cut the crap, Meredith! You don't drink coffee, you sneak off to the bathroom randomly, you eat like your never going to eat again. Your pregnant again arent you?"

She knew she couldn't lie, "yeah I am. 11 weeks."

"I figured you're already starting to show." Christina smiled.

"Am I really that noticeable already?" Meredith gasped

"Yes and the fact you haven't been hiding your morning sickness to well."

"Cristina don't tell anyone please, I'm begging you, not even Owen"

"Alright but soon everyone is going to know, you are starting to show." Gently Cristina placed her hand onto Meredith's abdomen, she knew there wasn't a chance she would feel the baby kick since it was way too early for that. "I would have been 11 weeks too" she sighed softly.

Meredith nodded. Cristina had been one of the girls that had gotten pregnant that night but she had always said she didn't want kids and the first chance she got and without Owens input, she terminated the pregnancy.

She and Cristina left the room, getting ready for the day by starting to round on patients. Lunchtime rolled around, and she met Derek in an on-call room with her tray. It was what they did these days to escape the chaos.

"Cristina knows" Meredith blurted out.

"She does, you told her?"

"No, actually apparently I haven't been hiding puking my guts out too good and I'm starting to show."

"It's a good thing your starting to show" Derek whispered treading lightly.

"I guess...I don't know Derek. I want to be happy about this, I really do. I'm not trying to be a bitch about it but... it's hard when you wake up each day constantly wondering if today is going to be the day I lose this child. I mean we aren't even at 12 weeks yet and even then things can still go wrong."

Derek sighed, he understood because every day he had those same fears. "I know Meredith, I have that fear too. we just have to go with the flow and have faith God will make this workout."

She looked up at him, tears brimming her eyes. "I don't want to lose this baby Derek, I can't handle that again."

"I know, I can't either. Were in this together Meredith I've told you that from the start."

She was going to respond, but a sudden wave of nausea washed over her making her clamp her hand over her mouth as she pushed her tray aside. Derek sat his down and followed her to the nearest bathroom, he didn't care if it was the ladies room. He was going to help her. He stood there rubbing her back as she deposited her lunch into the toilet and just when she thought she was done, another round persued.

"I will say this" Meredith groaned as she leaned back plopping herself onto the floor. "I will be glad when this stage is over, I swear this kid doesn't let me eat anything."

After lunch, Meredith had the opportunity to scrub in on a Nissan fundoplication never have done one since med school. The surgery had gone off with a hitch and she found herself with nothing to do. She didn't know where she was heading as she wandered aimlessly down the hallway stopping outside a pair of double doors.

She didn't know what was pulling her to be here, she didn't need to be. But none the less she found herself standing at the nursery glass window staring in at the babies that just had been born hoping that in a few short months her child would be in there.

Softly she sighed, placing her hand onto her stomach for the first time during this pregnancy. "I promise I don't hate you" she started out. "You have no idea what mommy and daddy have been through. I'm trying peanut, I'm trying so hard." She drew in a shaky breath. "Ive been trying not to be attached to you, in case I lose you too but ill try better, I promise. just hold on for me alright? Hold on for your daddy and I." Meredith was once again silent as she stared into the nursery. She felt a vibration come from her pocket, slowly she reached in to retrieve it.

"Hello?" she answered.

"Hey my shift is done, are you done?" Derek asked. She looked at the time on her phone, she had been down here longer than she thought.

"Yeah, meet you in the lobby" she responded before she hung up. She sighed and took one last glance into the nursery before starting her walk down to the lobby.

"Hey," she greeted, smiling as she saw Derek. She wrapped her arm around his waist as he leaned down and kissed her.

"Let's go home" he whispered.


	7. Explosion

15 weeks. She had made it this far and Meredith still had a hard time believing it. Her nerves had calmed down slightly but there would always be that fear in the back of her mind that one of these days it would all end.

She entered the kitchen, the aroma of pancakes filling her senses making her stomach growl. she hummed in delight as she watched Derek dish them both a plate.

"Good morning" Derek greeted.

"Morning, this looks amazing" Meredith smiled moving to take a seat.

"Well, we don't get to do this too often" he whispered placing a light kiss on her cheek. He was right, it was rare they both had the day off.

Meredith started digging into her food as fast as she could, suddenly feeling like she was starving. These days she was constantly hungry.

"Do you chew?" Derek asked playfully earning him a look from Meredith.

"It's not my fault your kid is hungry" she grinned. They finished up their breakfast, Derek doing the dishes as Meredith went and laid on the couch. "Are you on call?" she hollered over.

"Yeah, incase any huge traumas come in." that was the bad part of being the top neurosurgeon in Seattle, you were always on call. He went and joined her on the couch, settling in behind her as she rested her head onto his chest.

"What do you want to do today?" he asked her.

"This right here is perfect" she smiled. "Cuddled up to you and our baby" she whispered placing her hand against the swell of her stomach. She had been more open with him about the baby but still treaded lightly but at least she was making progress from where they were days ago.

"I still can't believe we have made it this far" Meredith murmured and Derek knew exactly what she meant.

"I know, I cant either" he whispered. placing his hand overtop hers that was still placed onto her stomach. They both savored the moment before it would all become hell in a handbasket once again.

What was supposed to be a luxurious day got cut short when multiple traumas came in causing them to both be called in. Derek got to work, making his way around the ER.

Meanwhile, Meredith was standing outside of an OR that had a designated bomb in it. She could tell the young officer that was currently inside was panicking and nobody was doing anything about it. She looked around, praying that someone was going to do something but nobody was. Nobody was moving. Her eyes flickered back to the young officer, clearly shaking as her eyes darted around and Meredith knew it was only a matter of time before she would break.

"Derek!" he heard his name be called as he was checking on a patient for a possible concussion. He turned around coming face to face with Cristina. "yes?"

"Would you tell your wife shes absolutely insane?" Cristina yelled.

"Well I mean we have always known that but what for this time?" Derek smiled.

"Your brilliant wife is in an or with an exploding bomb!" Dereks smile faded as he took off running not entirely sure where he was going, only when he saw a team of people outside of OR 1 did he know he was in the right place.

"Is she still in there?" he asked clearly panicked.

"Yeah, the officer got scared and ran out." Derek took a peek into the little window, seeing Meredith standing there with a time bomb made his heart drop. He could tell she was scared and would rather be anywhere else at the moment.

"Meredith" he whispered opening up the door slowly. She looked up, seeing the pain in Derek's eyes as tears rolled down her cheeks, she was not only putting herself in jeopardy but their child too.

"I'm so sorry, she was freaking out and nobody else was going to help" she rambled.

"I know Meredith, they are working on getting someone in here. Just stay calm alright honey?" Derek whispered. Meredith was trying to hold still, she really was but clearly, she was fidgeting. Her other hand not holding the bomb traveled to her stomach, mentally kicking herself for putting their child in danger.

Both stood there staring at each other as each second ticked by. Meredith didn't know how much longer she could do this without freaking out herself. She wanted to be in Derek's arms, where she knew she was safe. Where both she and their child would be safe.

Glancing at the clock she noticed a half-hour had already gone by. How long does it take for them to get down here? She thought bitterly. Why didn't anyone else do this?

"Where the hell is the bomb squad?" Derek hissed angrily as he turned away from the door.

"They are on their way sir" the officer tried to reassure him.

"Not fast enough, that is the woman I love more than anything and my child in there. They need to hurry up before my family ends up hurt."

"Derek?" He heard his name be called by the shaky terrified voice that traveled out of the Or. Slowly he headed back to the doorway. "I can't do this Derek" she sobbed.

Derek sighed. "I know, they are on their way Mer. Just hold on a little longer. I know you're scared, I'm scared too for the both of you."

"Please don't leave me" she choked out tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I won't baby, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, Meredith."

More time went by, feeling like forever for both of them before the bomb squad finally arrived. They both watched nervously as the bomb was defused and before Derek knew it, Meredith was running out of the or straight into his arms freely sobbing.

"Your ok" he murmured rubbing his hand up and down her back as she cried. He was guiding her down the hallway when they heard the explosion. They both fell to the ground, debris and glass shattering around them. Derek opened his eyes, finding Meredith unconscious beside him.


	8. Aftermath

"Oh my god, Meredith!" Derek yelled gathering her up into his arms, her head resting on his chest. He could see Miranda heading his way, watching as she gently took Meredith out of his arms before placing her onto the gurney. Cristina took Derek to get cleaned up before taking him to where they took the love of his life.

Meredith was sore, her entire body was as she slowly awoke the hospital room coming into her view. She let out a hefty cough from the slight smoke inhalation she had received signaling to Derek she was awake.

"Hey, your awake" he whispered leaning over to place a kiss on her forehead.

"Yeah, what happened?" she croaked.

"The bomb exploded as we were leaving the scene, unfortunately, the guy carrying it wasn't so lucky." She hummed in response before her mind shifted to someone more important.

"Derek, the baby?" she whispered unshed tears pooling in her eyes as her hand drifted to her stomach.

"The baby is fine Mer, your both fine sweetheart just some smoke inhalation, cuts, and bruises." Tears started falling from her eyes. how could she have been so stupid?

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I didn't mean to put our child in danger."

"I know you didn't."

"But I did, what kind of mother am I?"

"Hey, nobody was going to help that woman. If she would have moved that bomb would have gone off and a lot more lives would have been hurt. you did what you knew."

She looked down at her stomach, rubbing circles onto it as she sniffled. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to put you in danger" she whispered. "I love you so much." Derek got up, climbing into bed as he pulled her against him. thankful for at least for now, his family was safe.

A few hours later Meredith was sitting up in bed, doing a cough assist treatment after she was reassured over a thousand times that it was safe for the baby. Her body felt awkward as her chest vibrated in an effort to get to cough up whatever was in her lungs.

Derek watched her, slightly laughing at the faces she was making.

"I'm glad this baby can't kick" she smiled. "Because I'm sure it would be having a field day right now" she laughed making Derek smile that at least she was in good spirits.

After a few minutes, she grabbed the basin that was on the table throwing up into it. Derek moved quickly to hand her a washcloth and to get her hair out of the way.

"It's working" he murmured.

"Yeah, I would say so" she groaned using the washcloth to wipe at her face. Derek reached overturning the machine off since her hour was done. She went to work, undoing the straps from around her torso before pulling the vest off, handing it over to Derek.

"You know they are just having you do this stuff to make sure all the ash and whatever you inhaled is out of your system," he said.

"I know, as long as our child is healthy that's all I care about" she murmured.

She looked up at him and Derek could see the pain in her eyes. The pain of blaming herself. He sighed, sitting down onto the bed as he placed his hand against her stomach. Meredith placed hers on top of his.

"Don't ever scare me like that again" Derek whispered. She smiled.

"I won't, it was stupid on my part and I know that." She sighed. "How long do I have to stay here?"

"Hopefully not too long, although if I had it my way you would be in a padded room with bubble wrap" he smirked.

The next day she was ready to be discharged. Meredith was leaning over the bed packing her bag as Derek was off doing some last-minute patient checks before he was to head home with her.

"Ok, Grey, the next time I see you as a patient you better be pushing that baby out do you hear me?" Bailey chided as she came into the room with her discharge papers.

Meredith laughed, "Yes Miranda loud and clear."

"That was stupid, just stupid!" Meredith rolled her eyes as if she didn't already know that.

"Well, if someone had gone in there to help out I wouldn't have had to would I?" Meredith chided.

They exchanged a look before Bailey threw the papers onto the bed. "I need to check your stitches before you leave." Meredith sat down onto the bed, wincing as Miranda pulled the tape back. "They look good, I'm going to change the dressing. You are not allowed back to work until these stitches come out."

"Yes, I know." Bailey finished up replacing the dressing on Meredith's head when Derek walked in.

"Are you ready to go?" he asked.

"She is, remembers what I told you Grey" Bailey reminded her. Meredith threw her a smile before picking her bag up.

"Let's go" she smiled taking Derek's hand.

They arrived home, Derek taking her bag up to the bedroom as Meredith turned on the tv curling up on the couch. Derek came back down to the stairs, starting dinner.

Meredith could smell the deliciousness, smiling to her self. She dug right into her plate when Derek handed it over to her.

"This smells great" she whispered, placing a kiss against his cheek.

"I'm glad you think so, it's just spaghetti."

"Better than I could ever cook. At least you cook."

"Yeah thank god, I do, otherwise, our child would be doomed" Derek smirked playfully.

Playfully she hit his arm. "Ok, you might be right."

They finished their dinner, their dishes pushed aside as they laid there wrapped in each other's arms. Derek placing light kisses on her head as he ran his fingers through her hair.

"I love you, so much" he whispered.

"I love you too."

"I'm so glad you both are safe" he whispered placing his hand against her stomach as hers joined him.


	9. I'm not ready

They didn't talk about that day, the day that Derek could have lost the most important people in his life. It was the elephant in the room that nobody talked about. It had been three weeks and even though Meredith could have gone back to work now that her stitches were out, she had not. She couldn't risk putting them both in danger as she had again.

They were both laying in bed, neither one of them able to sleep. Every time his eyes closed, he was back there watching her hold that bomb.

It was still fresh in both their minds like it had just happened yesterday.

"Derek," she whispered, her voice filled with pain.

"Yeah, honey?"

"I never, I can't ever put our child in danger like that ever again. I can't stop thinking about it" she whispered. He knew how she felt, he couldn't either.

"I know Meredith, everything is alright." Meredith couldn't help how she felt. She felt like her mother, the world-famous Ellis Grey who always put her job before her family and she had vowed she would never do that to her child. But she couldn't help but feel like she was already failing her child before it was even born. She scooted closer to Derek, resting her head on his chest as she just needed the closeness.

He wrapped his arm around her, gently rubbing her back knowing she needed it. She was beating herself up. He knew he should be mad at her, but he wasnt...he couldn't be. They laid like that, cuddled up to each other until their alarm went off indicating Derek needed to get ready for work.

She saw him out the door, internally debating whether she should go in too. Deep down she wanted too but it was the internal fear stopping her from doing so.

She spent the morning tidying up the house and by lunchtime, she had decided to head into the hospital, knowing eventually she would need to get over her fears. She walked through the doors, watching as everyone bustled around feeling out of place. Like she didn't belong there anymore.

She shook the feeling off, heading up to the office of the chief.

"Meredith, how are you feeling?" Owen asked when Meredith walked in. Owen was the new chief, chief Webber having had retired a few months ago.

"I'm doing good, ready to get back to work... I think" she said.

"It's ok if your not, it's understandable."

"If I don't come back now, I may never come back," Meredith said knowing that was the truth.

Owen smiled, "Alright, I'm going to put you in the er today. I'm sure they could use some help down there."

Meredith nodded her head before heading down to the er, it was packed per usual.

"Ok Christina, what do we have?" Meredith asked pulling on a set of gloves. Cristina was about to talk but stopped in her tracks when she looked up, seeing it was Meredith. Meredith smiled at her.

"Ok well, this is Marci Woodmans, 35-year-old female she fell off a ladder trying to paint her house. She has a broken arm and a possible concussion."

"Has anyone paged neuro?" Meredith asked

"Not yet."

"Ok, go ahead and do that."

"Out of curiosity, does neuro know yours here?" Cristina smirked.

"Nope, he's in for the shock of his life" Meredith smiled.

And that he was. When Derek received the page that Dr. Grey was requesting a consult, he thought it must have been some sort of mistake. Lexie was dead and there was only one other Dr. Grey. It was impossible...unless he thought. He went down to the er, stopping in his tracks when he came eye to eye with his wife who smiled at him. He was more than shocked seeing her standing there. Quickly he assessed the patient, ordering her for a CT.

"Dr. Grey can I see you for a moment?" he asked when things were calm. She followed him into one of the on-call rooms.

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming back?" Derek asked, caught off guard.

Meredith sighed, "I wasn't originally going to but if I didn't. I realized I may never come back, I needed to face my fears, Derek."

"I wish you would have told me.'

"I know and I'm sorry. But baby Shepherd and I are perfectly fine and were going to stay that way. I'm going to see if I can stay working in the er or scut. Anything to give us both a little peace of mind."

Derek nodded. He was glad that she was facing her fears but still couldn't help but be afraid himself that they would get hurt again. They spent the next few minutes in each other's arms, Derek never wanting to let her go but when his pager went off, he knew he had to let go.

"Be safe?" he said. Meredith just nodded and watched as he left the room.

The end of the day found her sitting in the attending lounge, changing out of her scrubs. She ran her hand over her face, groaning. She was exhausted, just wanting to be in Derek's arms.

She had done it, she had faced her fear but there was a fear inside of her almost leaving her paralyzed. She was shaking as a tear streamed down her cheek. She thought she was ready, she thought she could handle this.

Derek knew Meredith should have been getting off work and hoped to catch her before she went home for the night.

"Mer?" Derek whispered slowly opening the door to the lounge. Meredith quickly wiped at her face before standing up to face him.

"Hey, are you ok?" He whispered walking over to her, placing his hands on each side of her hips. Once again she wiped at her face, knowing she was miserably failing at not letting him know she was upset.

"Yeah, no...I don't know. I don't even know why I'm crying" she laughed. "I thought I was ready to come back, I really did."

"It's ok if your not Mer, everyone will understand. It's not just you anymore."

"I know and that's the scary part. I have to think of our child now. Every time I entered a patient room, I was afraid that we were going to end up hurt."

"Don't push yourself, take some more time off."

"I think I need it too. She laid her head on his chest. I love you" she whispered.

"I love you too." He stood there, clutching her to his chest for a few minutes. He knew he should have been getting back to work, but he didn't want to let go.

"Mer?" He whispered. He looked down, hearing her light snoring realizing she had fallen asleep against his chest. He chuckled lightly before scooping her up into his arms. He headed over to a chair, sitting down as he rearranged Meredith so she cuddled against his chest. His patients could wait, his family would always come first.


	10. Feeling

Darkness, that's what she saw as she awoke. she wasn't entirely sure what had woken her up, a strange sensation inside of her stomach made her hand drift down there. She was still in a hazy state as she got out of bed, making her way over to the full length mirror that sat in their room.

Hiking her shirt up so it sat right below her breast, she ran her hand over the swell of her stomach, a smile playing on her lips when she finally realized what she was feeling.

Her baby was kicking, making her sigh in relief. She knew there was no use waking Derek since he wouldn't be able to feel them. Only her, for now.

"I feel you," she murmered. It was a weird sensation for her, like butterflies in her stomach that only she could feel. Twenty two weeks and she looked huge, at least in her opinion. Derek would say otherwise.

She pulled her shirt back down and headed down to the kitchen, no longer tired.

"Oh, oreo ice cream," she said in delight as she reached into the fridge. These days it was her craving. She took the carton over to the couch, turning on the tv as she stuffed her face.

"Hey, what are you doing out of bed?" She heard Derek ask from the stairs. He came down, joining her on the couch.

"Your child woke me up, he or she is starting to kick." She said, smiling shyly.

"I wish I could feel." He murmured, knowing he couldn't just yet.

She smiled, laying her head on his shoulder as she took another bite of her ice cream. "Are you excited?" She whispered, referring to the doctors appointment they had today.

"Yeah, are you?" He asked with a smile.

She smiled back. "Yeah, normally I'm nervous but I know our baby is doing fine." She said, rubbing her fingers back and forth across her bump. Looking down at her bump, she whispered with a smile, "I can feel him or her."

* * *

She watched the clock like a hawk, tapping her pen against the file folder as she bit her lip.

One hour to go she made a mental note, trying to not make it obvious that she was nervous. In an hour she and Derek would be heading upstairs for their appointment and even though the rational side of her knew that everything was alright, there would always be that part of her that would wait for bad news. She couldn't help it.

An hour later they were walking hand in hand, Meredith clearly fidgeting as they stood in the elevator.

"Mer, calm down, babe. Everything will be alright." Derek soothed.

She sighed. "I know and I thought when I finally felt him or her moving or kicking that it would ease my fears but they are still there, Derek." She said sadly.

"Considering everything we have been through it's normal. But try not to stress too much, it's not good for either one of you." Derek said gently, trying to soothe her.

Once they were in to see the doctor, Meredith tried to stay positive. She was taken from her thoughts when the doctor spoke.

"Everything is looking great Meredith, you're right on track for where you should be. Your weight is perfect, your baby has a nice strong heartbeat and he or she is starting to move which are very good signs."

"So, everything is fine?" Meredith asked, not quite believing what she was hearing.

"Everything is fine, Meredith." Arizona smiled. Meredith sat up on the table, wiping the gel off of her stomach as she looked at Derek. For now, everything was fine and she clung onto that hoping it would stay that way.

After their appointment they both went back to work, Meredith recruiting April to be on her service. The day went by slowly and by the time she arrived home all she wanted to do was kick her feet up and binge eat ice cream and that's exactly what she did while waiting for Derek to arrive home.

She looked down, noticing that once again her hand was splayed over her stomach where it usually sat these days. Every once in a while she would catch herself doing it, usually out of force of habit. She still couldn't believe she was carrying a child with Derek. It seemed that everything was falling into place. She just hoped it stayed that way.

She hoped Derek wouldn't have to work late, she needed him. That was the one of the less than pleasant parts about pregnancy. Not that she didn't love being with him, just that the hormones were driving her crazy. She needed him, in more ways than one.

It was nearly 10:00 pm when Derek arrived home, smiling upon seeing Meredith asleep on the couch. Her hair hanging in front of her face as one hand was under the pillow that lied beneath her head, her other one splayed across her belly.

"Hey beautiful." He softly whispered, placing a kiss against her forehead as he pushed her hair out of her face. Her eyes fluttered open, a small smile appearing on her lips.

"You're home." She whispered.

"Yeah, how was your nap?" He asked softly.

"Good but it would have been better if you would have been with me." She said, smiling. Slowly she sat up, her still sleepy daze looking adorable to Derek.

They stared at each other, Derek watching as she caressed his face. A look on her face, the look she always got when she was thinking.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked.

"Us, how happy I am." She beamed.

"I'm happy too," he said, leaning in and pressing his lips against hers.

"Derek." She whispered.

"What?"

"Don't start something you can't finish." She breathed.

"Oh, I fully intend on finishing this." He said with a smile as he kissed her deeply.

She moaned, gripping the back of his neck as she squeezed her eyes shut, hoping he would keep his word.

"Derek, please." She panted in between kisses.

He slowly laid her down, climbing on top of her as they continued their passionate kiss.

Moaning, she unwrapped her arm from around Derek, working to slowly remove his pants as he did the same with her.

He pulled back from the kiss up for a minute before slanting his lips against hers once more as he slid inside of her.

She moaned, a loud animalistic moan as she felt him inside of her. The sweet release that she had been craving all day.

"Derek," she moaned, feeling him release. She bit her lip, trying to suppress the urge to moan as he continued to thrust inside of her.

"God, please Derek." He reached up, caressing her face as they both stared into each other's eyes.

"I love you, babe." Derek whispered with a smile as he turned them on our their sides, staying inside of her.

"I love you, too." She whispered back as she snuggled into his arms while he wrapped them in a blanket as they stayed on the couch.


	11. She's Back!

Her shift had just started but already Meredith just wanted to be back home, snuggled under the covers fast asleep. She was exhausted, to put it lightly. These days the baby was constantly moving, making sleep nonexistent for her.

She was running on autopilot, or adrenaline, she didn't know as she walked down the hallway on her way to see a patient.

She stood in the room watching as April talked to the patients, her eyes closing every once in a while as she would start to doze off.

"Dr. Grey?" She heard April's voice calling her name. She opened her eyes noticing the room full of people staring at her.

"What? Oh, I'm sorry." Meredith apologized.

They all headed out into the hallway, April stopping her.

"Are you okay?" April asked, rubbing her hand up and down Meredith's arm.

"Yeah, I just haven't been sleeping much lately." Meredith replied.

"That bad already?" April smirked, referring to the pregnancy.

Meredith slightly smiled. "Yeah, I mean it's a good thing because it means our baby is still alive but I would love to get some sleep. He or she kicks twenty-four seven although right now it's quiet."

April and Meredith parted ways, Meredith ducking into one of the on call rooms. She sat down, rubbing her hand over her face as she blew out a breath.

"Just a few minutes." She whispered to herself as she laid down, closing her eyes to catch some sleep.

She was standing at the desk listening to the commotion around her. Her head pounding as she tried to get through the paperwork in front of her.

A voice spoke, a voice she would reconize anywhere. She looked up seeing a person she hadn't seen nor care to see in years.

"What is she doing here?" Meredith muttered under her breath seeing Addison talking to the chief. She watched until the redhead started coming down the stairs, quickly making it look like she was occupied with her paperwork.

"Meredith Grey? Boy it's been a long time." Addison said as she approached Meredith.

Meredith laughed slightly, turning to face her. "Addison, nice to see you." She replied, trying to be polite.

"Likewise." Addison looked Meredith up and down. "You're pregnant?" She mused.

"Yes, twenty-eight weeks and yes, it's Derek's.

"Oh, he finally knocked you up. I'm surprised it took this long." Addison said snidely.

"This isn't my first pregnancy." Meredith said through gritted teeth. She slammed the files onto each other before picking them up, starting to walking away.

"I don't know what Derek sees in you," Addison started. "But I promise you that I will get him back. He can't resist me." She said smugly.

Meredith panicked, wanting to find Derek. He had to know Addison was back, back for him. She knew Derek loved her, that much was obvious but she also couldn't help but fear he would go back to her.

She wasn't anything special. She was Meredith Grey, fat and pregnant, in her mind. Addison on the other hand was beautiful, slim and sexy. The complete opposite of Meredith.

"Derek, we need to talk." Meredith breathed, thanking her lucky stars she found him.

"Everything okay? Are you two okay?" Derek asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine, the baby's okay. Listen, Addison is back and she's here for you."

"Come on, Mer. Don't be ridiculous."

"She told me, she's here to get you back, Derek.

"She told you that?" Derek asked in shock.

"Yeah, your ex-wife told me that." Meredith sighed. "Just please Derek... if you choose to go back to her, I'll understand."

"Meredith, are you even hearing yourself? I love you, baby and only you."

"You promise?" She asked, her eyes full of fear as ahe looked up at him.

"I promise, babe till the end of time." He spoke softly, kissing her forehead.

Addison went in search of Derek, finding him in the supply closet. She opened the door, making it look like she was in search of something.

"Derek," she whispered rummaging through a random bin of supplies.

"What are you doing back, Addison?" Derek asked, his voice dripping with venom.

"I decided to transfer and maybe...give us another shot." She said seductively, walking over to him.

"Addison, I'm in love with Meredith," Derek sighed trying to back up but found himself against a shelf.

"Don't you miss what we had, Derek? We were so good together."

"You slept with my best friend!" Derek shouted angrily.

"That's in the past, we could start over." Addison purred, pressing her lips right up to his cheek as she made sure he couldn't escape.

He closed his eyes knowing what was coming and there was no way he could stop it.

"Addison, please." Derek begged.

"I'm better for you Derek, better than her. She's nothing, just a depressed stuck up little bitch."

"You don't know anything about her." Derek seethed. Addison pressed her lips against his, trying to deepen the kiss as he tried to back away. He thought about pushing her but he would never hurt a woman in his life.

"Addison, stop." He mumbled, trying to lightly push her away. He could hear the door opening, a light bursting in. They both looked at the door, Derek turning pale as he saw it was the love of his life.

"Meredith." He breathed. She stood there in shock.

"Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me right now?" Meredith asked angrily.

"Meredith, wait." Derek tried but she was already gone, running down the hallway.


	12. Believe Me!

He went looking for her, combing every hallway and on call room in search of Meredith but she was nowhere to be found.

"Alex, where's Meredith?" Derek asked.

"I saw her running out, she was crying." Alex replied. Derek took off, hoping to catch up with her at home.

He opened the front door of their house, hoping she would be sitting on the couch but she wasn't. He combed the house finally finding her in thier bed, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Go away," she mumbled.

"Meredith, please." He begged walking over to sit on the bed. "Listen, she kissed me, Mer.

"Why should I believe you? I wouldn't blame you going back to her. She's prettier, smarter. Everything I'm not." Meredith sighed, trying unsuccessfully to stop her tears.

"Meredith, I love you. Addison has been trying to flirt all day. She's my past, not part of my future. You and this baby are."

"Derek," she whimpered, sitting up on the bed. A new round of tears glistening her face. "I can't lose you but I'll understand if you want to back to her."

"Meredith, you may think you're ordinary, nothing to look at but you are, baby. I'm the happiest I've ever been. Addison and I, we're never going to work out."

She sniffled, wanting to believe him. "Derek, how am I suppose to know it was her? That it wasnt you?"

Derek didn't know how to answer that. He held her close, feeling her tears soak his shirt. He wanted her to believe him, he needed her to believe him.

The next morning didn't squire much talking between the couple. Meredith was already out the door before he was ready and he knew it was going to be a long battle with her.

"Addison," Derek's voice boomed. The redhead looked up, a smile appearing on her face.

"Hey, Derek. What's up?"

"I'll tell you what's up. You have the love of my life questioning my love for her. I can't lose her, Addison and you're going to make it right and confess that it was you who kissed me."

"Now why would I do that? With her out of the picture we can finally be the family we always dreamed of." Addison said seductively.

"Family? Addison, get this through your thick head, I'm going to be nothing with you! Meredith is the woman I love."

"If I were to set things straight, where would that get me?"

"Some respect. Right now, you are messing with my relationship and it's even worse now that she's hormonal. She's been lied to and cheated on in the past so now she doesn't know what to believe."

Addison walked past him, without giving him an answer. He watched, clenching his fists in an attempt to hold himself back.

She was trying to act strong, but having to see him made her heart break more. She was sitting in an on call room, wiping at her face as the tears kept coming, feeling like they would never stop.

She heard the door open, trying to quickly hide the fact she had been crying but she was too late.

"Mer," Alex asked. "Are you okay?"

Meredith laughed bitterly. "Oh yeah, I'm fantastic. I'm the size of a house, not sleeping and to top it all off Addison is back and Derek was kissing her in a storage closet.

"He what? That som of a bitch! Mer, I don't know what to say." Alex said taking a seat next to her.

"Why me, Alex? We were happy and now she's back and obviously they still have feelings for each other." Meredith said through her tears.

It was silent for a moment before Alex spoke again. "You want me to kick his ass?" He asked, earning a laugh from Meredith.

"No, I dont know. I just wish we could go back to the way we were, Alex.

"I'm gonna go find him, nobody hurts the person I consider my sister. No one, not even Derek." Alex said with a scowl on his face.

Derek was talking to Ross, going over tomorrow's procedure. He was caught off guard when he heard Alex shout his name.

"Shepherd!" Alex's voice boomed. Before Derek had time to react Alex was in his face, a hard blow being delivered to his face. He tried to defend himself but the blows kept coming as he fell on the floor.

"This is for hurting Meredith!" Alex spat. "You don't get to hurt my person!"

Before he knew it, he was being pulled off of Derek by April. Owen was pulling Derek back, his face was a bloody mess and more than likely he had a broken nose too.

Alex got out of April's grasp. "You think you can hurt her and get away with it?"

"She told you." Derek assumed.

"Damn right, she told me!" Alex shouted.

"Nothing happened! It was Addison." Derek tried to explain.

"Yeah, sure it was. Then why isn't Addison here defending you?" Alex asked. What they didn't know was that Addison was watching the encounter from a patient's room.

Meredith couldn't help but watch through the window of the exam room as Derek was being stitched up. She didn't mean for him to get hurt.

She shook her head before walking back down the hallway, not entirely sure where she was going. Her whole world had been turned upside down and she didn't know how to handle it.

* * *

The same bar where they met, the same stool where she first laid eyes on him, she sat trying to comprehend everything that happened. She didn't know why she was here. It wasn't like she could drink because of the pregnancy but none the less she found herself at Joe's downing some soda. She couldn't bare to go home, not back to where Derek was.

She couldn't stand to look at him and feel her heart break every time he looked at her. She needed some space.

She was lost in her thoughts as a pair of arms wrapped around her. She turned quickly in shock.

"Surprise." Cristina laughed.

"Hey, you're back! How was your trip?" Meredith asked.

"Nothing special, the panel went great. I've been asked to speak at next years cardio convention." Cristina said excitedly.

"That's amazing!" Meredith said, genuinely happy for Cristina.

"How are you? It's only been a week but it feels like I've been gone for a year. Anything new?" Cristina asked.

Meredith chuckled, knowing Cristina was in for a shock. "Addison's back and she told me she was back for Derek. Next thing you know, I'm walking in on them making out like high schoolers in a supply closet."

"He cheated one you?" Cristina asked in disbelief and anger.

"It would seem so and Alex beat him up when he found out."

Cristina laughed. "I knew there was a reason I liked him."

"I don't get it, Cristina. He swore to me that he didn't have feelings for her anymore and now...everything is just so messed up." Meredith said, trying not to break down again.

"Men are pigs, Mer." Cristina said, trying to console her friend.

Meredith chuckled. "Yeah, they are."

"Hey, do you wanna come stay at my place? Sleepover?" Cristina asked with a smile, trying to cheer Meredith up.

Meredith smiled. "Yeah, that sounds great." Cristina grabbed her hand, leading them out of the bar. Music was blasting through the speakers on the drive back to Cristina's house and the girls were singing along.

Meanwhile, Derek was trying to call Meredith, it was nearly ten o'clock at night and she hadn't been home. He called the hospital, Owen telling him that Meredith wasn't there. He tried calling her again but the calls were going straight to voicemail.

Where is she, he thought out loud. He couldn't help but be worried, it wasn't like her not to call. He called everyone he could think of, person and hospital, even the local jail.

"What do you want, Derek?" Cristina answered, annoyed.

"Is Meredith with you?" Derek asked.

"Now you care?" Cristina spat.

"Come on, Cristina. I'm worried sick and I can't find her anywhere."

"Yes, she's with me. Happy now?" Cristina replied. Derek blew out a breath, at least she was safe.

"Thank God. Can you tell her not to scare me like this and pick up the damn phone?" Derek snapped.

"Ya know what, Derek? She really doesn't wanna talk to you."

"Put her on the phone please, just let me talk to her, Cristina." Derek pleaded. There was silence for a moment before Cristina spoke again.

"She doesn't wanna talk to you, goodbye Derek." He bears and before he could say anything, he heard the dial tone.


	13. Forgiven

It had been a week, the longest week Meredith had ever had. She barely talked to Derek, really only to give him updates on the baby.

She couldn't stand to be around him, knowing what he did. Maybe she was overreacting, she didn't know. All she knew was she was drowning, metaphorically speaking.

Addison watched her from the desk, contemplating on coming clean. Meredith looked like a disaster, her hair was a mess and the tear stain trails on her cheeks made Addison feel even worse. She watched as every once in a while Meredith's breathing would get rapid and she would start crying, trying to cover it up with her hand.

Addison sighed, knowing she had messed up and was starting to realize she didn't have a shot with Derek.

She started walking over, stopping a couple times wondering if this was really what she wanted to do. But she needed to end this before things got worse.

"Meredith," Addison spoke so softly that she wasn't sure the blonde had heard her.

"What do you want, Addison?" Meredith asked and Addison cringed at just how defeated she sounded.

"We need to talk, come on." Addison said, summoning her to follow. Meredith wasn't sure she wanted to hear anything the redhead had to say but decided to humor her.

"What, Addison?" Meredith seethed as they walked into the on-call room.

"Meredith, I just want to say that Derek loves you and I guess I didn't realize how much. What I'm trying to say is, it was me, Meredith. I forced him to kiss me, it was my fault. So don't be mad at Derek, if anything you should be furious with me." Addison finally admitted.

Meredith was staring at her. This was what she was hoping to hear.

"Thanks, Addison." She whispered, a small smile playing on her lips. She started to walk out before Addison grabbed her arm.

"Don't let him go, Meredith. I made that mistake and now he's moved on. You guys are starting a family and you need each other." Addison sighed.

"Yeah, I need him." Meredith whispered as she looked down at her belly.

"Thanks for at least listening to me, Meredith. I know you don't owe me anything."

They exited the on-call room, parting ways. Meredith in search of Derek. She won't deny she had been mad at him, disappointed even but she also felt a little guilty. She should have believed him, she should have trusted him. He had never given her a reason not to and she knew she was in the wrong. All she could hope for now was that he would forgive her.

Derek was relaxing in the attendings lounge, having had a break in between surgeries. He didn't hear the door open, too lost in his thoughts. Only when a pair of arms around him and the sound of gentle sobbing filled his ears did he pay any attention.

"Hey," he whispered, reaching up behind him to pull her onto his lap. She was a mess, a beautiful mess, but a mess. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Derek. I should have believed you. I should have trusted you, you have never given me a reason not to." She rambled

"Okay, slow down and breathe Mer, just breathe." She mimicked his breathing until she was in a steady pattern of her own. "Now what is this about?"

"Addison. She told me everything. She admitted that it was her. I love you Derek and I've been an ass about this whole thing."

Derek breathed a sigh of relief. He knew Meredith had issues in relationships and she just needed time to process things. "You were hurt babe, you didn't know what to believe. I love you too, I just wished you would have believed me."

"I can't lose you, Derek and I was so scared I was going to. You're my other half, my person. I need you and our child is going to need you. I know what it's like to grow up without both parents and I dont want that for this baby but I was scared I was going to end up like that." She rambled, trying to calm down.

She laid her head against his chest as he ran his hand up and down her back. He hated that she felt that way.

After a few moments, she pulled away. Derek smiled, reaching up to wipe the tears from her face. "Come home," he whispered.

Meredith smiled and sniffled. "Yeah, I'd love that. I wouldn't want to spend another night away from you. Cristina's great and all but I want to come home to you."

She got up off his lap, immediately regretting it as she could feel just how much their child was moving. She placed a hand against her stomach, sniffling.

"It's okay," she whispered. "Mommy and daddy are fine now." She smiled. Derek reached out, placing his hand next to hers, slightly shocked at just how hard the baby was kicking.

"I don't think this kid likes mommy upset," he smiled.

"No, and trust me that's been a lot this week. Hopefully now they'll calm down."

All of the sudden, Derek grabbed her hand, leading her out of the lounge and into an on-call room. Meredith was confused, to say the least. But when Derek locked the door, she got the hint.

"Seriously? Now?" She whispered.

"I've been waiting a week for this and I don't think I can hold it back much longer." He smirked. They found themselves in bed, Meredith closing her eyes as she felt him slide inside of her.

She bit her lip, trying to suppress the urge to moan. One out of desire but also out of pain from the painful blows that were being delivered inside of her since they hadn't been intimate for a while.

She tried to ignore them, once in a while brushing her fingers over her stomach in an effort to clam them down. Her mind was racing.

It wasn't too long later when Derek's pager went off, making her mentally groan.

"Sorry babe, I gotta go but we'll finish this tonight." He said before kissing her lips.

"Okay, I love you. Go save lives." Meredith said with a smile.

"Always." He smirked, finishing up getting dressed. She got dressed and went in search of Alex. She needed to tell him everything.

"Hey, Mer." Alex greeted, seeing her walk up to him.

"Hey. So everything's good now with Derek and I."

"Mer—" Alex started before Meredith cut him off.

"He was telling you the truth, it was Addison. She told me everything today."

"She did?" Alex asked, feeling bad that he went off on Derek without getting the full story. "I'm sorry I went crazy on him, Mer."

"He deserved it at the time." Meredith said, smiling.

"So, you're really okay?" Alex asked, wanting to make sure.

"Yeah, we really are." Meredith said, smiling.


	14. Bullet

What would you do? if the person you loved was suddenly ripped away from you?

She screamed, a loud animalistic scream erupting from her throat as cristina held her back and all she could do was watch the love of her life and the father of her children fall to the ground.

* * *

"That's weird," Meredith said as she sipped on her soda, pulling her pager out of her pocket. "Why are all of our pagers going off?"

"There's a code white in the hospital," Cristina said.

"What's a code white?" Lexie asked, completely cluless.

"It's a...violent person, like an active shooter." Meredith whispered. Suddenly she got up, throwing her lab coat on as Cristina moved from her place against the counter.

"Meredith, no!" She yelled, grabbing the blonde's arm.

"I need to go find Derek." She seethed, ripping her arm away. She needed to know he was alright. Cristina followed her as she ran down the hallway in search of Derek, the hospital suddenly feeling like a maze as she turned each corner not sure where she was heading.

"Where is he?" She asked outloud.

"Meredith, come back to the break room, there's nothing you can do." Cristina tried to convince her. Meredith took off running as fast as her almost 35 week belly would allow her to until she came to the hallway where they could see the walkway from. She stopped in her tracks as Cristina pulled her down behind a fake plant, she could see Derek eye and eye with a person she at first didn't reconize, only that he was holding a gun aiming straight for Derek's chest.

"Listen, Mr. Patterson," Derek started out.

"No you listen. You people killed my daughter and now you're going to pay." The man seethed, getting closer to Derek. Meredith held her breath, only whimpering as she watched the exchange take place.

"Jason, there wasn't anything we could have done. She was far too gone, you and I both know that." Derek tried to explain.

"I don't give a damn, I lost my whole family in this hospital. First, I lost her mother and then her and you expect me to act like you guys shouldn't pay?" Jason seethed.

"She wasn't going to recover, Jason! there was way too much damage." Derek said, trying to be calm.

Jason laughed, cocking the gun. "That wife of yours, she's pregnant, isn't she?" Derek's blood stopped cold, how did he know? "Wouldn't it be a shame if suddenly, you lost your family?" He stopped, lowering the gun before walking in a circle around Derek. "You know, she was the one I was actually coming for and I just happened to run into you. I was going to destroy your entire world with one bullet...but now...I think I'll destroy her entire world." Jason laughed menacingly before raising the gun up and a gun shot rang throughout the hospital.

"NO!" She screamed, a loud animalistic scream erupting from Meredith's throat as Cristina held her back and all she could do was watch the love of her life and the father of her children fall to the ground. She fought against her, needing to get to Derek. She managed to get away, running as fast as she could into the wallway, kneeling down beside Derek as blood seeped out of his chest.

"Derek, no you can't do this. Please, just hold on," she whispered, trying to apply pressure.

"Meredith," he rasped. "Hide...he's after you."

"I'm not leaving you, I can't." She sobbed.

"Leave me, protect our child," he whispered as his eyes closed into unconciousness.

"Well, well, well...I knew I would find you eventually." She heard the voice say. She looked up seeing Jason coming closer to her, her first instinct was to protect her stomach but she couldn't take her hands off of Derek's wound otherwise he would bleed out.

"What do you want?!" She screamed.

"You, your husband just happened to be in my way." Jason snarled.

"Who are you? What did we ever do to you?" Meredith asked.

"What? You don't remember? August fourth of last year, my daughter Abigail Patterson came in from a car accident. You guys declared her brain dead saying there was nothing else you could do and took her off life support a few days later." It dawned on Meredith, he was the distraught father that said they would all pay.

"Mr. Patterson, I assure you, there was nothing we could have done." She tried to say calmly but her voice cracked.

"That's where you're wrong. There was plenty you could have done but no, you and your husband gave up!" He cocked the gun again, aiming it right at her belly.

"Please, don't," Meredith pleaded knowing their baby would never survive this. He walked around behind her aiming the gun to her back.

"No, wait! Don't shoot her, shoot me." Meredith heard. She turned around seeing Cristina standing there. Her heart leapt into her throat at the thought of her best friend taking the bullet for her.

"Cristina, no." Meredith cried.

"Do anything you want to me, just don't hurt her." Cristina said completely ignoring Meredith.

"Where would the fun be in that? She's the one that ruined my life and now I'm going to ruin hers." He seethed before pulling the trigger.

Cristina watched as the bullet flew into Meredith's back, as she fell on top of her husband, gasping for air.


	15. Survival

Chaos. That's what ensued after the shooting that landed the very finest doctors in separate operating rooms. Derek in one, Meredith in the other.

"I don't see an exit site," Miranda cried as she looked at the surgical team before her. "Let's get her opened up and set her up for a liter of blood, she's bleeding out."

"Miranda!" Arizona yelled trying to her attention. "Baby's heart rate is dropping," she said as she motioned over to the monitor.

"Ten blade," Miranda ordered.

"Miranda, if his heart rate doesn't come back up soon, I'm taking him out." Arizona warned. Miranda continued to ignore her, reaching over to make the first incision.

Derek's operating room wasn't any less stressful, they had just hung their third unit of blood as they were having issues controlling Derek's bleeding.

"I need more lap pads," April ordered. "Come on, don't do this, Derek. Your family needs you, don't give up now."

"Okay, got it." Miranda said as she reached into Meredith, wrapping her hand around the metal. She tossed the bullet into the basin as it made a clinking sound against the metal. "She's bleeding heavily now, let's set up for another unit of blood."

"Miranda, his heart rate has dropped even more. If we can't get mom stabilized quickly, I'm going in." Arizona warned. Miranda was trying to work quickly, but the blood was coming faster than any of them could keep up with and lap pads were only doing so much. Both the monitors started beeping rapidly.

"Pressure's dropping!" Miranda cried.

"That's it, I'm taking him. Ten blade." Arizona ordered. She worked quickly, opening Meredith's abdomen as Miranda worked feverishly to save Meredith.

There was a dead silence in the OR until a small cry broke out making everyone sigh in relief. Arizona couldn't help but smile as she held the little boy in her hands.

"Hey there," Arizona whispered as she held the tiny baby in her hands who was actually pretty good size for being five weeks early. She got to work, doing a quick evalution on the newborn as she got him prepped for the NICU, but first she needed to do something. She gently swaddled the baby in a blanket and took him into her arms as she made her way over to Meredith. she knelt down beside the blonde.

"Your son's here, Meredith, and he's beautiful. He needs you, he needs his momma. You have to keep fighting, for him. For Derek, for all of us. I promise I'll take really good care of him Meredith, don't worry about him. You just keep fighting with everything you have. I promise I won't leave his side." Arizona whispered knowing in some way that Meredith could hear her, even if she was unconcious. Quietly, she got up, returning the newborn to his isolate before exiting the room. Leaving the entire room speechless, praying that Meredith would survive.

Arizona entered the NICU, wheeling the isolate in front of her. She parked it in one of the spots, getting to work by checking the babies vitals once again.

"Your oxygen is still a little low, why don't we give you a little to help you out with that?" Arizona said as the baby fussed. She got the little boy fitted with an oxygen cannula and inserted an IV for fluids. She then got him hooked up to the heart monitor and pulse ox machines to keep track of his vitals.

Back in Derek's OR, they had just finished closing him up. They were able to stop the bleeding and extract the bullet so for right now it was a waiting game.

Meredith's bleeding had finally stopped. They got her closed up and moved into the ICU, deciding to room her with her husband. They would need each other when they woke up.

Cristina was parked in a chair at the end of Meredith's bed flipping through a magazine. She should have been working but she couldn't bring herself to leave her best friends side, not when she needed her.

It had been several hours since they both had gotten out of surgery and they were both stable as of now.

7pm

The alarms rang out in the room, making Cristina jump up.

"Both of them?" Miranda shouted, running into the room. Cristina was frozen as she watched both them flatline.

* * *

"Shock to 300!" Miranda called out once again applying the paddles to Meredith's chest as April did the same to Derek. Everyone held their breath in anticipation.

* * *

She woke up, sitting up on the table as she looked around the empty exam room. It was quiet, an eerie quiet not like you would ever hear in a hospital. Why was she here? Where was everyone?

"Meredith?" she heard, she looked up seeing Derek standing in the doorway.

"Where are we?" She whispered.

"I don't know, I'm just as confused as you are." Derek admitted.

She looked down, noticing that her stomach was flat.She quickly patted it down as her breathing sped up. "Derek, where's our baby?" She asked horrified. When he didn't answer her she got up, running as fast as she possibly could out of the room and down the abandoned hallway until she was stopped by the familar figure in front of her.

"Mom?" She whispered in disbelief. Ellis Grey was standing in front of her but she didn't reconize the man standing next to her.

"Dad?" Derek whispered as he came up behind Meredith, intertwining thier fingers.

"Okay, what the hell is going on here?" Meredith demanded. She needed answers and she needed them now.

"You guys died, you're in Heaven." Ellis said like it should have been obvious.

"No, we couldn't have. They saved us." Meredith whispered, her eyes tearing up.

"You both flatlined." Derek's father said. "Derek, can I speak with you alone?" He guided Derek out of site leaving Meredith and Ellis alone.

"Mom, I can't be dead...I just can't be." Meredith whispered.

"But you are, honey." Ellis said sadly.

"But what about our baby? Why isn't he here?" Meredith asked as she looked around. It was becoming quite obvious he wasn't there with them.

"He survived, you left him alone." Ellis said.

"No, I couldn't have! I would have never left him alone!" Meredith screamed, scared out of her mind.

"But you did, Meredith and now he has no one."

"I have to go back, he needs me, Mom. He's gotta be so scared." Meredith said looking around, trying to figure out how to go back.

"Meredith, I needed to see you. To apologize for being such a horrible mother. I know this journey to motherhood has not been easy for you but I know that you will be a way better mother than I ever was."

"but I'm here and he's there...all alone. Please, Mom, you have to tell me how to go back."

"Only you know how to, Meredith." Ellis said.

"No I don't, Derek doesn't and we're stuck here." Meredith said frantically.

"No, you're not stuck here. You know the way." Ellis said assuringly.

"But what about...?" Meredith trailed off.

"He'll be right behind you, just go." Ellis said. And so she did, running in the opposite direction of her mother until she stopped her.

"Oh, and Meredith?" Ellis called out.

"Yeah, Mom?" Meredith asked.

"I'm proud of you, sweet girl." Ellis said. Meredith smiled and turned before running into the light.

Cristina was standing there when Meredith's heart rate returned. She watched as the blonde's eyes shot open and she started choking against the ventilator.

"Meredith, breathe." Cristina whispered as Miranda went to the other side of the bed removing the vent. Meredith gave a sputtering cough before settling back against the pillow.

"Welcome back," Cristina smiled. "Are you in any pain?"

"Derek," Meredith whispered in a raspy voice. "My baby..."

"Derek is still unconcious, he's been moved to another room. As for your son, I don't know." Cristina admitted.

"I saw her, Cristina. I saw my mom. She told me she's proud of me and that she knows I'm going to be a better mother than she was. Derek was there too, he didn't come back with me though." Meredith said with tears in her eyes.

"You both flatlined,m for a long time and we didn't know if we would get either one of you back." Cristina admitted realizing how close she was to losing her best friend. How close their baby was to losing his parents.

"I need to see my son." Meredith breathed, just wanting to be close to her baby.

Miranda came back into the room, looking at Meredith's x-rays. "You are lucky you don't have any spinal damage, Grey. The bullet barely missed your spine. You gave us one hell of a scare."

"Miranda, when can I see my son?" Meredith asked, not caring about anything else.

"I'll go get Arizona." Cristina waited with Meredith for what seemed like forever before Arizona came in.

"Hey, nice to see you finally awake Meredith." Arizona greeted.

"How is he?" Meredith asked.

"He's doing amazing for being five weeks early. He had some breathing issues but they have resolved on their own. He's not jaundiced and he's eating beautifully. We've been keeping him in the NICU just for observation and while you guys were out but he's doing just fine." Arizona assured her.

"What happened?" Meredith asked.

"You became too unstable during surgery which was causing his heart rate to dangerously decrease and I made the decision to go ahead and deliver him early." Arizona explained.

"Thank you for saving him." Meredith smiled.

"No problem Meredith, you worked too hard for this. Now, let's get you reunited with your son." Arizona said cheerfully.

Meredith smiled as Arizona left the room, she leaned her head back against the pillow closing her eyes for a moment as she couldn't believe she would finally be meeting her son.

She held her breath as the hospital door opened and she saw Arizona pushing an isolate into the room.

"Hi, baby."

(To be continued ;) )


	16. Meeting

She watched as Arizona slowly picked her son up, the baby letting out a small cry in her arms quickly escalating into a full blown wail as Arizona placed the infant into her waiting arms.

"Hey buddy, you're finally here." Meredith whispered as she held her son close to her, taking in his newborn scent. She couldn't help the tears that fell, out of relief. "You're okay, we're okay." She whispered, nudging the side of his head with her nose as he settled into quiet whimpers.

"This is the calmest he's been." Arizona smiled watching as the baby nestled closer into Meredith as he tried to clutch onto her gown. "He's been looking for you."

Meredith smiled, staring down at her son taking in all of his features. He looked so much like her except for the hair. It was all too obvious where he got that from.

"I can't thank you enough." Meredith whispered.

"I'm just glad everything finally worked out for you guys." Arizona smiled back.

Meredith sighed. "I'm just hoping Derek wakes up soon."

"He will, he would never leave you or his son. Speaking of, does he have a name yet?"

Meredith sighed. "Nothing official yet, I wanna talk to Derek before I decide on anything."

Arizona smiled. "Sounds like a good plan. I'll leave you guys alone. Call if you need anything." Arizona left the room as Meredith leaned back against the pillow, laying her son on her chest so his head was right next to hers resting against her shoulder.

"I'm so glad you're here." she whispered. "I love you so much. We're gonna be okay baby, I promise you." She put the head of the bed down slightly and slid the baby down onto her chest, getting them both settled as she fell into a light sleep.

"Meredith," she heard her name be called. Slowly she opened her eyes, seeing Cristina standing beside the bed.

"Hey, what's going on?"

"Derek's awake, he's asking for you." Meredith smiled for a minute before it faded.

"Um, am I able to see him? I mean...can I move?"

"If I help you, we can try and get you into a wheelchair. I think he needs to see you two are alright for himself."

Meredith smiles, nodding. "I need to see that he's okay, too." She waited as Cristina went and got the wheelchair, still exhausted but happy to finally be seeing Derek.

"Can you put him in the crib while you help me?" Meredith asked. Cristina gently picked the baby up as he fussed from being moved. She got the wheelchair as close to the bed as she possibly could before helping Meredith stand up.

"Oh God, this feels weird." Meredith exclaimed.

"Yeah, luckily you got some pretty good drugs going into you otherwise you would be in a world of hurt." Cristina chuckled. She placed a pillow behind Meredith's back before retrieving the baby, placing him back in Meredith's arms.

They made the journey, passing room after room before finally stopping at one. Cristina pulled the curtain back and Meredith couldn't have been happier to see Derek.

"Hey, you." She whispered as Cristina wheeled her right up to Derek's side before leaving them alone.

"Hey, how are you guys?" Derek asked as he looked at his wife and child.

"We're doing great." She replied, looking down at their son.

"I'm glad we made it." Derek whispered, relieved.

"Me too, I couldn't imagine leaving him alone. He's perfect." She smiled and looked up at Derek. "You wanna hold him?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah, just have to be careful." Gently, Meredith handed their son over, watching as Derek stared at him, she couldn't blame him. Their baby was perfect in every way.

"We came too close, Derek. Who knows what would have happened to him if we would have..." She couldn't finish, becoming overwhelmed with emotion.

Derek looked over seeing the tears streaming steadily down Meredith's face. He reached out, taking her hand into his.

"I know, but we're both fine. We made it, he's here and he's perfect." Derek reassured her.

"I know, it's just...the though of us almost leaving him alone hurts, Derek." Meredith said, her voice trembling.

Derek sighed, he understood. It hurt him too. He wanted so badly to take her into his arms but he couldn't. Before he could say anything she stood up, grabbing onto the bed for support as she quickly maneuvered herself to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Should you be doing that? You just had major surgery and almost died not too long ago." Derek reminded her.

"I don't care, I need you." She whispered, scooting up before laying down next to Derek, thanking God that the bed rail was up.

"I love you." She whispered.

"I love you too, sweetheart." He placed the baby on his chest so he was touching the both of them. Meredith reached out and took his tiny hand into hers as the three of them fell into a deep sleep.


	17. Without You

She had been in this hospital for a week and if Meredith was being honest with herself, she was ready to rip her hair out. She was tired of being poked and prodded all hours of the night, feeling like a pin cushion for everyone around here. Today, she would finally be going home but unfortunately, Derek wouldn't be joining her.

Derek had taken a turn for the worse, developing an infection that sent his entire system into shock. He was currently in a coma and all she could do was pray he would come out of it.

"Are you ready to go home? I know mommy is." She smiled down at the baby that was currently sound asleep in her arms. Meredith was just thankful that her son was healthy, he was keeping her sane throughout all of this madness.

Because Derek couldn't afford to get any more infections, they weren't allowing thier son back to see his father which also meant that Meredith couldn't see him even though she had plenty of offers for babysitters. She just couldn't imagine being away from their son even for a few minutes.

She was thankful they had come up with a name before everything happened.

Brady, Brady Derek Shepherd was his name. Much to Derek's dismay, Meredith had insisted the baby have his name as his middle name.

"Okay, here are the discharge papers for you and your little man, now please take it easy." Bailey chided.

Meredith smiled, rocking Brady in her arms. "I will, don't worry about me."

"Yeah, well, I would rather not see you back as a patient, Grey." Miranda looked Meredith up and down, noticing the fear and anxiety written all over her face. "Are you alright?"

"I'm just...nervous," Meredith confessed. "Inever imagined I would be doing this alone. What if I mess him up?"

Miranda smiled. "You will be fine, you have been doing amazing and Derek will be home before you know it." Miranda reassured her.

"What if..." Meredith swallowed hard. "What if he's not?"

"He will, he loves you and that baby too much. He will pull through this." She sighed. "Why dont you go and see him?"

"I can't..." She choked out. "I can't leave him."

"You can, just a few minutes. I'll watch him."

Meredith contemplated but didn't have a chance to respond before Miranda was taking the baby out of her arms. "Go," Bailey ordered. Meredith sighed but leaned down, placing a gentle kiss on Brady's forehead before leaving the room. Her whole body screamed with anxiety and she wanted to turn around and go back to her son but pushed herself to keep going.

She walked into Derek's room, seeing him hooked up to a ventilator made her weak. The reality was hitting her. She took a seat in the chair, hesitantly reaching over for his hand.

"Derek," she whispered. "Please don't do this, I need you. I'm scared to do this on my own." She sighed. "I'm sorry I haven't been here, they won't let Brady back to see you and I hate being away from him. I feel like if I leave him something will happen but Miranda pushed me to come down..." she rambled. She drew in a breath and continued. "He's getting so big. Just over the past week and you need to be here to see it. He loves you and I love you."

She glanced up at the monitors watching his heart beating, trying to focus on the fact that he still had a heart beat.

"Okay, I gotta go," she whispered. "I need to get back to our son. Hang in there, okay? I'll be back, I promise." She got up and walked out. Stopping to take one more glance back at Derek before heading down the hallway.

A smile graced her face when she saw her son, curled up asleep in Miranda's arms.

"Hey there," she whispered reaching out for her son.

"Feel better?" Miranda asked.

Meredith hummed in response, giving Miranda a small smile before snuggling Brady to her chest. "We better be going, thanks again, Miranda."

Arriving home, she placed the carseat on the couch, her body screaming in pain. She had a weight restriction and shouldn't have been lifting the carseat but she didn't care.

She gently got Brady out, resting him against her shoulder as he started to fuss.

"You're okay Brady, mommy's here," she whispered as she took a seat on the couch. She leaned back placing him on her chest as she cradled him softly.

This was it, she was alone with this fragile little life that she and Derek had created and that scared her. He seemed so fragile and delicate.

"I love you so much," she whispered against his hair. "Thank you for being mommy's rock this past week."

She closed her eyes, taking a moment to soak everything in. Everything had been fast paced and for the first time she was able to just take everything in. But she still wished Derek was with her.

She sat there until she heard a knock at the door. Brady started fussing as Meredith stood up, she ran her hand up and down his back, quietly talking to him as she went to answer the door.

"Cristina!" Meredith exclaimed, surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm on lunch, figured you could use some company," Cristina shrugged. "And I brought food!"

"Thanks, I'm starving." She turned around and headed over to the bassinet that was right next to the couch, carefully laying Brady down. They both dug into their food.

"I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that you're finally a mom," Cristina laughed.

"You're still coming to terms?" Meredith asked incredulously. "I'm still coming to terms." She paused for a moment before sighing. "I never thought I would actually be a mom, I thought this pregnancy was going to end up like my others. Thank God it didn't though, he's definitely gotten me through this past week."

"Hey, you know Derek will be fine. He's McDreamy after all. Him and his gorgeous hair will be back with you before you know it." Cristina said with a smile.

Meredith smiled. "I know, it's just...what if he's not? What if I end up raising Brady on my own?"

"You won't, stop thinking that." Cristina said softly.

Meredith sighed, looking over at Brady. How could she not?

Two in the morning, the loud ringing of her cell phone jolted her awake. Frantically sitting up, she grabbed it off of the nightstand before it had a chance to wake Brady. Who was calling her at this ungodly hour?

"Meredith Grey," she answered.

"Meredith, it's Miranda." Ice flowed through her veins at the sadness in Miranda's voice. "You need to get to the hospital."

"Why? What's going on?" Meredith asked, trying to stay as calm as she could.

"I'm so sorry, Meredith." The next words made it hard for her breathe. "Derek's dead"


	18. Unknown

She ran as fast as she could for just having had major surgery and carrying a carseat with her.

"What happened?" She yelled, not caring who heard.

"Mer, Mer," Cristina said, stopping Meredith. She could see the blonde's eyes unfocused as they darted around.

"What happened?" Meredith cried again. She sat the car seat down next to her.

"The infection took over his body," Miranda whispered. "His heart, just couldn't handle it. I'm so sorry, Meredith."

"No, no, no this can not be happening." Meredith backed up until she hit the wall behind her before sliding down, wrapping her arms around her legs. "We have a baby! He needs his father and I need Derek. I can't do this alone," she whispered as she started sobbing.

Brady started crying from the car seat. Meredith started to get up, only to be stopped by Miranda.

"Meredith, I got him."

"No, Bailey, I'll get him. I just..need to. I need my son right now." Slowly she got up, heading over to the car seat and undoing the straps as her son cried.

"Brady, mommy's here. I've got you, baby," she whispered as she placed the baby against her chest. She stood there in the middle of the hallway rocking her son back to sleep as she pressed her nose against the side of his head. No one knew what to say.

"I need too see him," Meredith choked out, turning to face the group of people. Miranda nodded her head, walking past her to open the hospital room door.

"Mer, give me the baby," Miranda whispered.

"Bailey, I-" Meredith started to protest but Bailey cut her off.

"Trust me, Meredith, you do not want to be holding him when you first go in there. I will follow you with him, okay?" Bailey said, looking into Meredith's sad, heartbroken eyes.

Meredith realized maybe Bailey was right, she didn't know what to expect. She handed Brady over and drew in a deep breath before walking into the room.

The air had a heaviness to it, one she couldn't explain. One that made her feel like she was suffocating.

"Derek..." She whispered walking up to the bed. "Why? Why would you leave us? You should be here, with my...with your son. He's gonna grow up without a father. She paused, trying not to break down again. "I don't know if I can do this without you."

She turned around, reaching to take Brady into her arms before Miranda left the room.

"I can only pray I don't mess him up, Derek. I just hope wherever you are...you're happy and watching over us."

She stayed for a few more minutes, until she had to sign paperwork. She quickly signed and decided to head home. Her head was pounding and all she wanted was the comfort of her own home.

Arriving home, she didn't want to think about anything. Her mind was a scattered mess and she just wanted to shut it off for a while. She took a seat in the rocking chair, cradling her son against her as he nursed.

She couldn't help but stare, watching as the baby nursed. The only sounds that could be heard was the quiet suckling noises Brady was making. She wanted this to be a nightmare she would wake up from. She wanted to be curled up in bed nursing their son as Derek watched.

"It's just you and I, Brady." She whispered.

She wasn't sure how she would survive or even that she wanted to but she had to, for their son.

The universe was truly screwed up, at least it was in her mind. For years they had tried to have a baby and then she kept losing them. Now, she had her perfectly healthy son who didn't have his father. What was right about that?

Her mind ran through everything he would be missing. Their son's first steps, his first word. The both of them walking him to his first day of preschool. Him marrying the love of his life and eventually having babies of his own.

Brady would never know his father, just the stories she would tell him when he was much older. But she made a vow that he would always know how much his daddy loved him.


	19. Trouble

2 weeks later

She had a hard time believing derek was dead, she was numb. Her only salvation was the little piece of both of them that was asleep in her arms.

"Hey there," she softly whispered when she notice Brady flutter his eyes open, letting out a tiny little yawn that melted her heart. She couldn't get enough of him and had hardly put him down since he had been born. She couldn't bear too, afraid that something would happen.

It was only 5:30 in the morning, Meredith was starting to get tired and as much as she just wanted to sit there and stare at their son, she knew she needed to sleep. She got Brady settled into the bassinet before climbing into bed.

She awoke a couple hours later to her son screaming his head off. She got out of bed gently picking him up.

"Hey, it's ok sweetie." She got back into bed, getting her son eating before grabbing her phone off of the nightstand.

Standing in the kitchen she was preparing a few days worth of food. That's how they got by these days, never seeming to have time to cook. She looked over, seeing Brady fast sleep in the bassinet she had moved out to the living room so she could keep a close eye on him.

"Who could that be?" She wondered when she heard a knock at the door. As far as she knew everyone was at the hospital.

"Who is it?" She asked as she opened the door. Her smile faded seeing who it was. Bile rose in her throat as her stomach clenched.

"Miss me, sweetheart?" The voice asked menacingly.

"Jason...how do you know where I live?" She asked, her voice shaking slightly.

"I have my ways." He stepped around her into the house and quickly she raced around him taking a protective stance in front of the bassinet.

"What do you want? I thought you were in jail."

"It's called escaping, darlin' and obviously I didn't do my job right. You both are still alive." He stepped closer to her, a low menacing growl erupted from her and she reached back, gripping the bassinet with one hand. He could do anything he wanted to her, but she would be damned if he was gonna hurt her child.

"Get away," she growled. Her stomach was clenching so hard it started to hurt but she couldn't concentrate on that now.

He cocked the gun that she failed to notice that was in his hand. Her heart beating furiously as she knew she was powerless against him. Without thinking she turned around and with one quick, swift movement she scooped her son up into her arms, racing up stairs as Jason trailed behind. She raced into the bedroom locking the door behind her as she looked around for a place she could hide Brady. She was going to protect him at whatever cost.

Ultimately she chose the bathtub, making sure he was wrapped up in his blanket as she placed him in. She placed a quick kiss on his forehead.

"I love you so much, sweetheart," she whispered before standing back up. She noticed the blood seeping through her pajamas knowing she had ripped her stitches.

She went back out to the bedroom, frantically looking for her phone as she heard the pounding on the bedroom door.

"Shit," she muttered. "I left it downstairs." She was screwed and she knew it. The bedroom door slammed open, she backed herself against the wall knowing she was powerless.

"Nice try, trying to run from me. You're a fast little thing, aren't ya." He cocked the gun again. Meredith squeezed her eyes shut waiting for the gunshot that never came. "You know, I was upset to find out you all survived. But now, it just gives me more opportunities to kill you and that kid of yours." Jason threatened.

"Please," Meredith pleaded, swallowing thickly. "Do whatever you want to me just don't hurt him. He's innocent. He's done nothing to you and we didn't all survive, you killed his father!" Meredith shouted.

"You're right but if you were to survive again, God forbid. Wouldn't it be better to destroy your lives like you did mine?"

"Jason please, it's all in the past. Why can't we just move on?" Meredith pleaded.

"Because you and your husband destroyed my family and what's better revenge than to destroy yours. But first, I think I'll have some fun first." He walked up to her, grabbing a fist full of her hair as he threw her down onto the bed. Despite the pain she was in, she started kicking and punching him. Doing whatever she had to do just to survive for her family. "Oh this is going to be so much fun." He said, chuckling snidely. He placed duct tape over her mouth and pistol whipped her, hoping to knock her out, but all it did was give her a major headache. She tried sending her mind to another place, somewhere far away. Her body screamed in pain and as much as she tried to ignore it, it was nearly impossible.

A sound brought her out of her thoughts, a sound that broke her to her very core. Brady had started to cry and there was nothing she could do. She couldn't go to him, she couldn't comfort him.

Jason reached up ripping the duct tape off her mouth. "Get him to shut up," he growled.

"Let me up and I can," she said. Jason sighed, sliding himself out of her as he got up off the bed removing the duct tape from her hands. Slowly she got out of bed, her entire body screaming in pain.

As she made her way across the room and into the bathroom, Brady's screaming had reached a new octave, one that would surely wake the dead.

"Hey sweetie," she whispered as she picked him up. "I'm here, it's okay." She spent a few minutes rocking him, slowly getting him back to sleep knowing she was being watched. When he finally did, she placed him back into the bathtub before starting to walk out of the bathroom.

As she passed Jason, she quickly grabbed the gun from him before kneeing him in the groin. She tried to run, but her body was getting weaker and weaker. He slammed her into the bed before grabbing the gun back, hitting her once again. She tried to stay concious, but she was losing the battle. The last thing she remembered was hearing Brady once again start to cry before it all went black.

* * *

i promise you all it gets better from here! -Kate


	20. Why?

"Everything alright?" Miranda asked walking up to Cristina.

"Meredith isn't answering her phone," Cristina sighed, getting a bad feeling. She always answers her phone.

"Maybe she's busy with the baby?" Bailey offered.

"Yeah maybe, but even then she would still have answer."

"I'm sure she's fine but if you really are that worried you can use your lunch to go and check on them. But I'm sure you are overreacting, everything's fine." Miranda tried to reassure her before walking away.

Cristina drove over to their house, immediately noticing the front door wide open. That was strange she thought. She stepped over the threshold, looking around the downstairs area. Nothing seemed out of place.

"Meredith? Hello? Anyone here?" She searched the downstairs finding no signs of Meredith or the baby before heading upstairs. She immediately could hear Brady screaming. Why wasn't Meredith comforting him? Where was she?

She followed the screaming into the master bedroom and into the bathroom finding Brady alone in the bathtub still wrapped up in his blanket.

"Hey, what are you doing alone? Where's your mom?" Cristina asked as she picked the newborn up. He quieted down slightly at the sensation of being in someone arms.

Cristina exited the bedroom looking around the room where she found Meredith. Laying on the floor between the wall and the bed, blood seeping out of her scalp and stomach.

"Oh my God!" She gasped, quickly laying Brady on the bed as she knelt down by Meredith, making sure she was still breathing before calling for an ambulance.

Bailey was standing at the desk slightly taken aback when the emergency doors opened and she saw Cristina running along a gurney that held Meredith.

"Okay, get her trauma room one," Cristina ordered.

"Here, I'll take him," Miranda said as Cristina handed the still screaming baby over to her.

Bailey went into a conference room, taking a seat in one of the chairs as she pulled a bottle out of the side of the diaper bag, offering it to the newborn.

It seemed like forever before Cristina appeared, the baby sound asleep in Bailey's arms.

"How is she?" Bailey asked.

"She's pretty bad. He hit her with something which caused a cut on her scalp we had to stitch up plus she ripped her c-section stitches so we had to redo those." Cristina explained.

"What else?" Miranda demanded. She knew Cristina wasn't telling her something.

"She was raped." Cristina whispered. "Who would do this?"

"I'll give you one guess, the same person that got us into this mess." Miranda said through gritted teeth.

"I thought he was in jail." Cristina said, confused.

"Obviously not." Miranda growled.

Miranda sat there next to Meredith's bedside, watching her sleeping form as she held the blondes son close to her. She may come off as hard sometimes but it didn't mean she didn't care.

It had been a few hours since everything had happened and Miranda was still waiting for her to wake up. She reached over with the hand that wasn't supporting the baby, gently taking Meredith's into hers.

"I know I might come off as harsh or cruel sometimes," she started. "But it doesn't mean I don't care. You cannot die, you are not allowed to. You have a son, he's already down one parent, he cannot lose both." Miranda sighed. "So no, you don't get to die. You are going to live for your son."

It was a little while late when she heard Meredith groan, her eyes blinking open as she tried to figure out where she was. All the sudden she shot up, frantically looking around.

"Hey, hey lay back down, everything's alright," Miranda said, trying to sooth Meredith, gently pushing her shoulder to get her to lay back down.

"Brady," she breathed.

"He's fine, see he's asleep," Miranda whispered, showing her the baby that was fast asleep in her arm. She laid back down, tears bursting from her as she reached out for her son, needing the contact.

"Everything is okay, Meredith," Miranda said as she laid the baby on her chest covering them both up with the blanket. She watched as Meredith kissed the top of the baby's head while crying.

"I'm sorry Brady, I'm so sorry you had to go through that," she whispered. "I'm so glad you're okay, sweetheart."

She held her son close to her, listening to his heartbeat as it was pressed against hers. Thanking her lucky stars he was safe.

"Do you remember what happened?" Miranda said slowly.

"Too much of it," she whispered, her eyes never leaving her son. "My phone was downstairs. I couldn't get away from him, he hit me with the gun and that's why I passed out."

"Was that before or after he..." Bailey couldn't finish her sentence.

"After. I was so powerless. I couldn't do anything as he violated me. Luckily he stopped because Brady started crying and he wanted me to shut him up but..." Meredith's eyes watered as she continued. "Why me, Miranda? Why us? Haven't we been through enough?"

Miranda, who usually came off as a hardass, felt for the woman she secretly considered a daughter.

"Our lives change with every breath we take Meredith, and you survived. You fought like hell for your son. He has a momma who was willing to die for him and almost did. You fought and you both survived and you will get through this because the Meredith Grey I know, doesn't give up easily."

"I wanna give up, he's the only reason I haven't. I thought this nightmare would've been over with when Derek died. I thought this guy had done enough damage and I never thought he would be back for revenge. Miranda, how am I suppose to protect Brady? what If he comes back again?"

"We are all here to protect you guys. He's not getting in here and you're gonna be here for a while, Grey. You had a lot of damage done, physically, mentally and emotionally. Right now you and your son need each other, just let us deal with the rest."

Meredith sniffled, looking down at Brady who had started to slightly whimper. She was just hoping it would all be over soon.


	21. Alone

The room was quiet, too quiet. She sat there clutching her son against her chest, probably harder than she needed to as she watched the rain that was pouring down outside.

It was impossible to pinpoint what she was feeling...numb, sore? She was definitely sore, her whole body screaming in pain as the medications wore off. The recovery process had been hard. Combine that with the depression and it had been downright grueling. Everyone had been a godsend, coming in to help her with the baby or to just sit down and stay with her, the support was overwhelming.

But even with all the support, her mind still wandered. Mainly to Derek but also the attack. The attack that could have very well ended her life, the attack that could have left Brady without either one of his parents. Her eyes watered at this thought as she tried so hard not to cry. She was tired of crying. She was supposed to be the strong one, strong for her son but she felt like she was crumbling.

A knock at the door drew her out of her thoughts, quickly she wiped at her face as the door opened.

"Hey, Callie." She whispered softly, sniffling.

"Hey, I just came to check on you. Figured you could use some company." Callie said with a gentle smile.

"Thanks." Meredith said softly.

"And I take it by the way you look right now, I was right, wasn't I?" Callie softly smiled.

Meredith laughed a little before responding. "Yeah, I just...I don't know. One minute I think I'm fine and then the next minute I'm a complete mess."

"You've had a lot happen, Grey. No one expects you to be alright."

"But I have to be, for him. I'm all he's got now and he has a mess for a mother. I feel like I'm failing him, Callie."

"I felt the same way, after Sofia was born. I felt like I failed her. I was supposed to protect her while she was inside of me and I couldn't even do that. That feeling really never goes away but I've learned not to blame myself."

"I just hate that this is his start in life. His dad died, his mom nearly died and now is an absolute mess."

Callie sighed softly. "Tell you what," she whispered, starting to stand up. "Why don't you let me take him tonight, give you a break. Give you some time to process this all, grieve. Whatever you need."

"Callie, I..." Meredith started to protest but Callie cut her off.

"Look, I know you don't like being away from him but you need time...for yourself."

Meredith was hesitant. It's not that she didn't trust Callie but she just didn't know if she could handle the separation. She looked down towards Brady, conflicted.

"Alright," she finally agreed. "You can take him tonight."

Callie smiled softly. "I'll come back after my shift ends. I'm sure Sofia will be excited to have him with us tonight, she's been asking for a sibling."

Meredith laughed a little. "Are you planning on giving her one?"

"Arizona and I talked about it," Callie paused. "Probably not anytime soon, we kind of want to focus on Sofia for a little while before we have another one. Well, I gotta get going but I'll be back around 7:00." She smiled softly and waved as she left.

Meredith gave her a tight smile as she left the room. She closed her eyes, focusing on the breathing of the baby on her chest along with her own. This was going to be a long night and she knew it. Too much time on her hands without her son, she had no idea what she was gonna do.

The day went by quickly and all too fast 7:00pm came around. She already had the diaper bag packed and was enjoying the feeling of her little boy in her arms before she wouldn't see him until morning. Her anxiety was already setting in and her son was still with her.

She couldn't help but cringe when she saw the door open, already knowing who it was.

"Hey, Mer." Callie greeted, a small smile on her face. Meredith returned the smile, looking down at her son. Sofia ran out from behind Callie, stopping short of the bed.

"Hi, Sofia." Meredith greeted with a smile.

"Hi, Mer! I'm gonna help mommies tonight." Sofia said with a bright smile.

"Really? You're going to be a big helper with Brady."

"I promise you will get him back in the morning." Callie reassured Meredith, noticing the anxiety written across Meredith's face.

"I know, I'm just not used to this." Meredith smiled nervously. She looked back down at Brady, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "I love you." She softly whispered, then she looked up signaling to Callie. She watched as Callie took Brady from her, getting him settled in his carseat.

"Sofia, are you excited to have Brady tonight?" Meredith asked her, trying to occupy herself.

"Yeah! I want a brother or sister!" Sofia said excitedly.

"Maybe in the future." Callie chimed in, throwing Meredith a smile.

"Well, you guys have fun." Meredith smiled.

"We will." Callie smiled as she picked the carseat up. She went over to Meredith, wrapping an arm around her. "This will be good for you. Get some sleep, cry, do whatever you need to do, okay? We'll be fine." Callie reassured her.

"I know you will." She watched as they left the room, the anxiety setting in as soon as the door closed. Now, she had way too much time. Hour after hour felt like a lifetime. She watched the clock, unable to sleep.

9pm

11pm

1am

She watched the hours tick by, her anxiety building as each hour passed. She looked around the hospital room, realizing she was truly alone. she wasn't allowed out of bed, tv was boring and she was alone with her thoughts...she felt the tears coming on, faster than she would have liked and pretty soon she was once again a mess.

Her breathing frantic, she started to hyperventilate. In her frantic state she grabbed a book off the table in front of her, throwing it as hard as she possibly could, watching as it hit the wall, falling to the floor. She was frustrated, she was beyond shattered. Her breathing slowed as she leaned back against her pillow.

"I can't do this," she whispered. "I need you Derek, I need you so bad. I miss you so much. I'm failing at everything and I can't do this without you." She whispered.

"Oh, my God," she whispered. She was sick of this; the crying, the complete helpless feeling that overtook her. It was overwhelming. She wasn't sure how long she had been crying when she finally fell asleep.

Waking up, the sunlight was shining through the window. She glanced at the clock, it was almost 7am and she knew she had to get up. She ran her hand over her face, pushing the hair that stuck to her forehead out of her face as she sat up. She reached over, grabbing her phone off the table.

on my way-Callie

She smiled to herself, she would be seeing her son soon and she couldn't wait.

She couldn't help but smile when Callie walked in. "Hey, how was your night?" Callie asked.

"I slept and cried. It was a long night. How was he?" Meredith asked, eager to have her baby back in her arms.

"It was good, he ate and slept well. I had a hard time getting Sofia to go to bed, she was having a blast helping." Callie said with a slight laugh.

Meredith couldn't help but laugh. "Good, I'm glad." She watched as Callie gently got her son out of the carseat as the baby fussed.

"Oh I know sweet pea, you're going back to your momma, I promise. You can sense she's here, I know." Callie said, smiling. Meredith couldn't help but feel relieved when Callie put her son back in her arms.

"Hey, Brady. I missed you so much," Meredith whispered holding him close to her chest. Callie stood there for a minute, admiring the duo before speaking.

"I'm going to get to work, Grey. Let me know if you need anything." Callie said with a smile.

Meredith smiled softly. "Thanks, Callie. For everything."

"No problem." Callie quietly left the room, leaving the two alone. Meredith didn't know how she was going to do this, but with her friends by her side, she knew she would survive.


	22. Reunited

"Witness protection?" Meredith asked again, not sure she had heard the two officers right.

"Yes, this guy is out for revenge and the next time he might kill you and your son." Officer Deeds said regretfully.

"But what about my job?"

"You will still have your job," Miranda reassured her. "This is only till they can get him off the streets, it's for you and your sons' safety."

They arrived at the house that would serve as their new temporary home. The house looked like one out of a catalog; white picket fence and all. She sighed as she unlocked the door and stepped inside, holding Brady's car seat with him sleeping in it.

This was their new life, for she didn't know how long. She sat the car seat down on the couch as the officers brought her bags in.

"Don't forget to read the file, it gives you all the information you need. There will be surveillance on the house 24/7. You cannot call anyone or let anyone know where you are, is that udnerstood?" The officer asked Meredith.

"Yes." Meredith said as she nodded and swallowed thickly as the officers left. She sat down on the couch next to Brady, opening the file and scanning it.

Alias name: Victoria Oswald.

Age: 32

Occupation: bank clerk

Martial status: married to Steven Oswald.

So she was married? This unnerved her, the thought of being married to anyone other than Derek, even if it was fake. She flipped the page, scanning it.

Name: Parker Oswald

Age: 2 weeks

"Great," she sighed. They even changed her son's name, from the name both she and Derek had chosen. She didn't know what to think. She wished this was a bad dream she could wake up from.

The sound of keys jiggling in the door made her freeze. She watched as it opened, trying to remain calm. She couldn't breathe, tears streaming down her cheeks when she finally saw who it was.

"Derek?" She whispered, not believing what she was seeing. "I-I thought you were dead." She choked out.

He walked up to her, wrapping his arms around her as she sobbed freely into his chest.

"I'm so sorry." Derek whispered. "They couldn't tell you I was alive. They told me what happened, I can't believe I failed to protect you. Again." He said, sadness written all over his face.

"I can't believe you're alive!" She whispered in disbelief. "I've missed you so much! Did they tell you I was coming?"

"Yeah, I couldn't wait." He smiled. Meredith was about to speak again when a small cry interrupted them. Meredith chuckled quietly as she wiped her tears away, completely forgetting their son was still in the car seat.

"Is that...?" Derek questioned.

Meredith smiled. "Yeah, it is. Say hello to your son." She said with a smile as she stepped around him, heading over to Brady.

"Hey, guess who's here?" She whispered, gently getting the baby out of his car seat. With tears still streaming down her cheeks, she turned around making Derek gasp.

"He's gotten bigger," Derek whispered.

"Yeah, he has." She looked up at Derek and back down at Brady. "You wanna hold him?" She asked, smiling softly.

"More than anything, I wanna hold the both of you." Derek said with a light smile. Meredith smiled back as Derek led her into the bedroom. She watched as Derek took his son into his arms, a vision she could only dream about just this morning.

"Come on," Derek whispered. She climbed into the other side of the bed cuddling herself into Derek's side as he held their child.

"I thought you died," she whispered after a few silent moments.

"I know, they couldn't run the risk of telling you the truth. When I woke up, these guys came into the room telling me that they were putting me into this program and that you would think I was dead. I knew it was going to destroy you and then I heard what happened to you and all I could think was if you and our son were okay." Derek said, trying not to get too emotional. He didn't want to ruin their family bonding moment.

"We're okay, Derek." Meredith whispered, closing her eyes and drawing in a breath. "When I thought I lost you...I didn't know how I was going to raise him alone." She continued with tears in her eyes.

"Hey, it's okay. But I know how strong you are. You could have, you would have survived." Derek whispered, trying to soothe her.

"What I don't understand is...I saw you, Derek. I saw your body...how?" Meredith asked, confused.

"I can play dead very well," Derek smiled slightly.

"And the cremation?"

"I don't know what they gave you, but it definitely wasn't my ashes." Derek laughed. They both laughed for a moment before looking at each other again.

"Don't ever die on me." Meredith whispered.

"I'll try not to," he said as he smiled. He looked back down at Brady as he started to stir, letting out a small cry.

"Here," Meredith whispered, holding out her arms for Brady. Derek passed him over watching as she got him nursing before settling back against the headboard.

"I love you." He whispered.

"I love you too." She said back, smiling.

Meredith couldn't be happier. Her husband who she thought was dead wad laying next to her, very much alive, watching her feed their child. Their baby boy. She wished that she could stay in this moment forever but she knew she couldn't. She just hoped nothing else would come between them again. She didn't know if she could take it.


End file.
